Not Lost But Gone Before

These days I really miss my friends Chuck and Grey.

That's not fair, I haven't seen Chuck since he was, what, 22? This was years ago. I miss that Chuck a lot. Chuck and I's friendship was a secret from almost everyone else in my life. No one hung out with him and only a very few of my friends ever met him. He was monumental in my life, and probably helped me decide to come to NY for college. He held me to an impossibly high standard. I felt like a failure the whole time I knew him, but it was thrilling, too. I couldn't compete with the image of me he had in his head. That version was sexier, smarter, funnier, taller, meaner, more talented. He acted as if this is what he saw in me every day. He never let on if I didn't match up to his ideal.

I haven't seen Grey in almost a year (x-mas). And I miss him terribly. New York is really vicious in a lot of ways, and Grey seemed to know how to make, basically, everything, feel better. I could call him when I was in a rage. A deep, violent funk that would last for days, drive everyone I know away from me. Grey would call or I'd run into him when in a bad mood, and he'd look at me and talk to me just like I was a real person, not a crazy person. I always thought of that as a kind of in-born empathy he had. He's in CA and we haven't spoken in a very long time and when I get lonely or don't know the answer to questions like "Why here right now?" I wish he were around. He always understood, and if he didn't, tried. He did not, despite having many opportunities, judge me. Once, though, he said he thought less of me because I went home with someone. But generally he didn't put this moralistic shit on me that everyone else does. This is a courtesy I wish I could extend back to him.

Alright boys.

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