What you gave was worse than what you took

So much time on this blog talking about the feeling of ABSENCE. About how I feel like my capability has left me. My health has left me. My good nature, my sense of humor, my curiosity is gone. I talk a lot about people who are gone. The feeling of being a hole, you know?

(Few people know this, but when Courtney Love named her band Hole, it wasn't to be nasty. It was from a line in Medea, and because her mom once told her "You can't just walk around with a big hole inside of you forever". You can, in fact, speak to wounds that will never heal. But that's a choice, and a hard one.

All roads lead back to Courtney Love.)

So what about the feeling of being PRESENT? Of PARTICIPATION in your own life? Hunter just wrote a really nice and inspiring post about this feeling. It inspired me.

Yesterday I went to work at my new job, where I had the distinct feeling of capability. Of being capable and competent. For the first time in a long time. I went to my tech rehearsal atDixon Place, and my show looks fabulous. I ran back to work, then down the street to PPOW Gallery, where I went to the opening for a group show of artists responding to the legacy of David Wojnarowicz. I'm reading at the gallery next week in conjunction with the exhibition. I'm tremendously proud, but figured no one there would know who I was. In fact, a few people pulled me aside to speak to me about it, one of the gallery assistants gave me a t-shirt with the (One Day This Kid ...) image on it. I was invited to the dinenr after the opening, where I ran into Jiddy's gorgeous sister Margot. We ate soul food and I felt totally thrilled to be part of a Real Art World Thing.

Then I hoofed it downtown, listening to Saint Etienne and drinking Evian. I got to Dixon Place to see La JohnJoseph perform his new piece. It was amazing, friends. His show relays the gorgeous, hilarious, and heartbreaking trauma of being a real person in a world driven to wound, cut, bifurcate, label, and define. I am immensely proud of him.

Tonight, I'm going to perform at Dixon Place, a new piece (work in progress). It's about the possibility of love. Sort of.

Anyway, I feel really present and really real.

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