To Wake Up

Wednesday night I worked as a cocktail water / go-go boy. Will write about my glamorous life much later. Something else, I don't know what, kept me from sleeping at all the rest of Wednesday night, so, being nocturnal, I took yesterday off of work and sort of milled about in a haze. Now, after sleeping for 11 hours thanks to Sister Pico's Trazodone, I've re-joined the world of the living.

'In the middle of the dark wood, in order to avoid suicide, I gave myself over to temporary death, or sleep. There are times when we who aren't loved must do this. There are times when we who aren't loved must be celibate and frigid. The realms of dreams are that of death because the dreamer doesn't expect' the night mused. 'The dreamer knows what is happening and the world.

Dreams which resemble death heal the wounds from living.'

I have a great deal to say on the subject of Kathy Acker. Specifically, on the lesson she teaches us about love: to love something or someone is to claim, affirm, celebrate this object of our affection while simultaneously defaming, sullying, and destroying it. But that is to say that everyone realizes our capacity to love, and of course, not everyone does realize this capacity. I know I don't. I don't pay a lot of money for psychotherapy, but I could conceivably skip it altogether if I just listened more closely to some of Kathy Acker's more nuanced passages. Elsewhere, again in Don Quixote:

'You are so autistic, you don't know when humans're laughing at you and you always think humans're laughing at you. Since everyone must despise you; love, being impossible, is an obsession. Whatever your love's recipient happens to feel for you, since you're autistic, doesn't influence your belief that you're not worthy. Therefore, night, you always need love with desperate animalism and you can't actually love, that is clearly perceive your love's recipient.'

1 comment:

Challenge said...

wow max. she's spot on