But I won't fall for it

Couldn't get to sleep last night.

Stayed up until the wee hours reading Confusion is Next, the Sonic Youth biography. The chapter on Kim Gordon's biography is so strange. all of her quotes sound totally detached, weird. The book will make some claim about her life's path, something along the lines of "Kim soon realized that rock clubs such as Max's Kansas City and CBGB's served as a gathering place for NYC's downtown arts community," followed by a quote from Kim supposedly commenting on this, in which she says something pithy, deep, and emotionally responsive, like "I had worked in a gallery for a little while. One night I saw Suicide at CBGB's".

Last night I had a nightmare that a crazy man stopped me while I was walking down the street. He motioned for me to take off my
headphones and asked me for money. I apologized and told him I'm sorry but I didn't have any, and he followed me really closely for a few blocks, glaring at me and breathing down my the back of my neck. I became increasingly uncomfortable and crossed the street. There was no traffic, it was just us. The man continued to glare at me form across the street. "You don't have to run" he yelled, then continued with something involving a knife, along the lines of "I don't have a knife" or "I won't cut you open with a knife or anything". I heard this as a threat, so in the dream I ran. Woke up to a bright day encroaching.

Worry Worry Worry.

I think I had the bad dream because I had been reading Close to the Knives all day yesterday, and thinking a lot about porno and sex and wandering around. Also, Wojnarowicz' repeated intensely violent fantasies. I don't know.
My job ends at the end of May. I'm warned that because Mercury will be in Retrograde from May 26th-June 19th, not to take a job during that time. Which sucks, cause that's exactly when I'll need to. I'm tremendously worried about money and work. I have the persistent feeling that I'm forgetting somethign important. When I share this fear with people, the response I get these days is: smile.

I have the feeling that I am constantly out of sync with myself. I'm tremendously jealous of friends, acquaintances and enemies alike. What I'm jealous of is not fancy clothes or money or fulfilling high-paying music/writing/art careers, but the fact that even people who do not Have Their Shit Together, even junkies and people living with their parents with no hope and sick people dying people lonely closeted stupid people all seem to be able to enjoy themselves, or at least be able to function. I'm jealous of how everyone else manages to blithely ignore or idiotically denying the persistent truth of the universe, which I seem to be the only one to acknowledge: that the world is a mean, bad place. I mean, right? The contrast between my discomfort and the relative cushiness of my circumstances just serves to underscore how dysfunctional, painful and backwards my thinking is. My Ultimate Fantasy Boyfriend David Wojnarowicz says: Hell is a place on earth. Heaven is a place in your head.

Like Thurston covered by Lydia says: (She's In A) Bad Mood

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