If every time I set someone up with someone else it ends badly, why do people keep asking me to do it? How did I find myself in the position of having to listen to everyone's sex life and be super supportive and set them up on dates and tell them how virile and cool and funny they are?
Quick, someone get me a thesaurus. It can be your late birthday present to me. What's the opposite word for "adopt"? Like, if you adopt a child and then change your mind?
Cause I want to un-adopt.
One one hand, I want less baggage. I don't want to be responsible for peoples' well-being.
I mean, I enjoy and feel fulfilled by supporting my friends, but on the other hand, on the BIGGER hand, why am I constantly the support vehicle, which no one else supports? Why am I the match-maker? The person who has to hear and witness and validate everyone's sexual selves? This isn't rhetorical. Since when did I sign up for fucking VOLUNTEER WORK?
What everyone wants to hear from me: Oh baby you are so sexy of course the boys wanna fuck you your dick is so big yes it is who is a funny clever big dicked boy oh you are so great let me see if i know anybody who can get your big huge awesome super cool but not in a hipstery or trendy way just in an authentically cool way awesome big dick wet for you.
What I actually feel like saying: When is it my turn to feel good?
I'm not, I should be clear, talking about JJ or Pico. Yinz are off the hook.
It would not be so bad if folks were, like, reciprocal. Like, when La JJ and I complain to each other we feel supported. Pico and I know that we can share our feelings and check in with one another and respect each other.
When people talk about me as being funny and fabulous like a kooky old aunt or some kind of mom / yenta, it makes me feel really unsexy. And I don't want to feel like an unsexy mom. It feels like people want me to be supportive or validating or helpful and affirming, but they're not willing to offer any of this. Like, where's MY blind date?
Or, how about: if you want me to feel gross then I really don't want to help you out. I'm not just talking about you in the singular, Steven.
Maybe it just never occurs to people to treat me the way they'd like to be treated. I can't, though, give the benefit of the doubt to the entire world.
New Strategy: What we can't fuck, we'll eat.
On the plus side it's raining and I have somewhere to be where the drinks are free.