Leave home. Blood becomes a foreign substance.

Went to a party on Monday night for the new Bruce LaBruce film. I was waiting for my friend Susan to get there and I felt really awkward. It was full of really well put-together fags in their little groups, and I was by myself. Eventually I just started talking to people, though. You know, it's such a waste of time to feel bad. Everyone is shy, everyone is awkward.

Black Peter was DJing. I think that guy is so cool. If I had found out about him a few years ago I would've probably hated him. Because, again, haters are jealous. But I got over myself! That guy is so cool. I mean, yeah like he's sexy and stuff and has good beats. Yeah yeah that's like the easy stuff. His
blog is super cool and his art projects are really beautiful and complex. I think he's got the right idea about a lot of things.

I got hit on by a straight guy at the party, too. He introduced himself and kept calling me "Matt". Before I could correct him (THAT'S NOT MY NAME-- I think that song is dumb), he started telling me how cute I am. Isn't that sweet? People never say that kind of thing to each other. He said "I mean, I'm totally straight and whatever but I just wanted to tell you. You're, like, really cute, man." I still don't know. I don't think I'm cute. I also wonder if the guy was really gay and if the "I'm straight but I like you" thing is a line. That'd be, like, too Machiavellian, right? I should just take it as a compliment.

Also met Robert Smith at the party. I recently found his
blog and it's really great. The writing is really electrified, to me. Apparently he is making a movie, Glory Holes, with Gio Black Peter. I am curious and excited about this.

Went to a party at Eastern Bloc last night. It was pretty fun. I got some Allan Cumming CUMMING body lotion and cologne. Brandon told me that I seemed like I've been down lately. I told him that he was right, I am down. I said "I'm always down. I stay down. I don't get up." I left before the auction. I was so dog tired. I went home and watched cartoons and read about the history of the six-pointed star. It's fascinating. Listened to Throwing Muses. I used to hate that record now I can't live without it.

It's so depressing when people are rude to you and try to make you feel bad about yourself. I usually take this way too personally, and think it's actually my problem. The truth is unhappy people put other people down. That's the truth. Okay. I'm actually not some bourgeois sell-out. Why do I feel so insecure about that? In my experience, the ones who accuse other people (at least in my age demographic) of being sell-outs or whatever, or who talk about how fucking stupid it is to vote, the accusers are usually white educated "punk " or "hippie" kids whose parents are giving them money so the kids can turn exactly one trick and call themselves a revolutionary. Thanks I'd rather work a day job.


Organizing some ideas. Notes from Monday. Tonight I'm staying in and writing.

Some incompatible facts:

-- He likes you.
-- He likes everyone.
-- You're part of everyone.
-- Welcome.

[This whole place is full of people who feel just as awful as you do. This might be true. This is not sci-fi. I am not the loneliest little robot. We all are, together.]

I feel sneaky.