One of these mornings, bright and fair. Hitch on my wings I'm gonna try the air.
Even last night I felt like something was going on. People on the train acting funny. Drunker than normal yuppies crawling around my neighborhood at night screaming at each other. I stayed in, cooked rice and beans and did laundry and listened to records.
I felt then and feel now a real sense of uncertainty. Something is going to happen. I don't know. Tonight I'm trying to structure my evening to be as secretive and powerful as possible. I am having a hard time getting my way. I want things to happen in a certain order and I feel really beholden to everyone else. I want to work in service to my own feelings. Lady Kier has a song that says "If I don't blow my horn, then who will?"
I found out that last night, my friend Spencer died. He was 21, I think. He was about to graduate from college, and I had been looking forward to him moving to the city. He was incredibly sweet, sensitive, and intelligent. I'm very surprised, although I know he had been spending quite a bit of time in the hospital, being treated for heart problems. He once told Bobo that he liked me, and whenever I made or did or was thinking about making or doing a new thing, I always ran it by Spencer. I felt really understood and really heard by him, and always wanted to hear and see more of him. His bands, when I had the good fortune of catching them, were always excellent. He made me a really great mix CD which I listen to a lot. I don't know how I feel. Awful, I guess.
Tonight I'm going to go to the gym and eat something and put on War Water and Florida Water and hope for the best.