To start: I am excited about Obama. It feels like anything else is second to this. I am pretty excited. Watched the victory speech this morning and shed a tear.
I'm still sick. I feel awful. In addition to being physically uncomfortable, I'm beyond nervous. I hate getting sick and try to avoid it. I have to perform on Thursday (a reading) Friday (rock show) and Saturday (go-go dancing). I really don't want to cancel any of these things, but I have a legitimate cold. I can't really concentrate on anything and feel worryingly weak, and a number of circumstances make missing work impossible. There are few things that reliably make me feel better. Like, almost none. But exercise is one and I didn't get to go to the gym at all this week. And that really sucks. I feel pretty hopeless. And also it just began raining and I don't have an umbrella and I have a big new zit growing on my face.
It feels like I'm being a buzz kill, but I'm not going to judge myself for admitting it, especially not on my blog. Despite the enormous good in the world, I am absolutely miserable.
Last night I dreamed I woke up on a satellite. (Y'know that song by the Need? 'Pony 4 Honey'? "Step Up to the Saddle. Wake up on a satellite. Come home to Mama. Wake up on a satellite"). It occured to me that it was an abandoned satellite and that no one knew I was there. I felt some kind of machinery turn on and felt it move and turn around, towards Earth. In the dream I had my cell phone in my pocket, and I got a call. I hoped at first that it might be someone to help me, or at least explain what was going on. It was a someone named Jake or something, some generic boy. I ignored the call, much in the way I've been ignoring calls from boys for a while now. The satellite, which wasn't built for human travelers, hurdled towards the earth and started heating up. It became clear that I was going to die and I wondered for a second where I would hit the earth. I woke up out of breath and with my stomach too distended to move.
These things. We keep them.
I am hoping that a small change happens.