12/3/08

B.A.M.

So do you want to be the vengeful, spurned former lover or the passionate lover who actually gets to fuck? Do you want to be the beautiful object of affection or do you want to be the the poet who tells the world how petty it is?

Once, my friend Matt and I were talking about someone who had hurt him. A girl he thought had no redeeming qualities (though of course I will acknowledge now that every living being has redeeming qualities). He said "You know, she's the worst person in the world. There is no one worse that her." And following this line of thinking, said "The only thing worse that being her is being the person who wants to be her." Ouch. This has given me a lot to think about. Who do you want to be? Who do you wish you were? I think about this a lot. I ask myself this question often.

PEOPLE I FANTASIZE ABOUT BEING:
  • Laura Nyro, singing "When I Die"
  • My friend Chuck, who died but was gorgeous and free and precious and too sad to realize it
  • My friend Grey who dropped everything and moved to SF and pursued his dream or whatever and now he lives where dreams do. (Which is to say at night).
  • International Art Superstar La JohnJoseph
It's an exercise in experiencing love for these people. I can't be them but I can embody the things about them that I like. I also often fantasize about being any and all of my former lovers. Just to know what the fucking problem was, right? I often fantasize about being other people because I don't enjoy being me, really. Not all the time.

Thinking about this lately, and my friend's comment about the only thing sadder than being someone is wanting to be someone else. It's true, you rob yourself of a lot. You can totally undermine yourself by wishing you were somebody else. (Am I writing a Pink song? Wow.) A few weeks ago i was thinking about this in relation to feeling romantic.

I am doing newer artwork, I'm moving past my sphere of comfort. In the past, the point of a lot of my work was "Nice try, no one will ever like you once they see the real you." And that didn't work so well. Then, the point became "Ha Ha, you love me! You admitted it so you lose!" where I was the one doing the admitting.

Now my punchline is that people are desperate to connect with each other and love each other and then they do and the scary thing is that I admit it and the other person says "Yeah. And?"

Ok so anyways the phrase as a romance thing came to me recently: BRAG ABOUT ME

And it's winter, and I'm trying to make some things happen.

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