Looking Like A Little Ghost

Back in NYC. Flew the red-eye. I got so much stuff for x-mas. It's insane. I shopped like the world was about to end, which in fact it is. I got an H&M Gift card and went to the one in SF and found the very last size small Comme Des Garcons for H&M shirt. Fuck you.

Yesterday I came home, unpacked, slept, and met Tommy to go to the gym. Came home to silently eat and then met Grey for drinks. I watched Inside Bjork last night, it was like seeing a childhood friend again. Her music was really important to me when I was 12. Going home I always feel nostalgic, sad about my teenage self. I wish I could have gone back and given Teen Me some advice. I would have said "Get out of here and go to New York." Which would have been the right advice.

Yeah so I found my teenage journals, and I'm gonna start posting them here, I think. The good ones anyway. There are whole chunks of my life that I worked very hard to forget. I remember when my friend Brian dated this guy Davey that I had a crush on. I was so jealous, I was livid. I asked Cotton, our mutual friend, to never mention it to me. And then I forgot about it. It worked! Also I (apparently) used to drink a lot, and think a lot. I want to post an entry about goint to see Gravy Train!!!! at a house show in Oakland and drinking beers with them and making fun of them for being old. Old, at the time, being 20. That same night, East Bay scenester Coomers felt me up. I remember being really amazed by this. It was a piece of my sexual awakening, maybe. You know that scene in Their Eyes Were Watching God where Janey is sitting underneath the peach tree and it's quivering and it represents the World of Sex? It was like that, for me. Do the people that read my blog know about Zora Neale Hurston? Who even reads this thing anyways? The other half of my sexual awakening happened in April or May of 2005 when guy cruised me on the subway, casting me into being. All of a sudden: I have a body that you can see. This is a big revelation for queers. Some of us never have it. Some of us can't stop having it. To think.

Spending the morning on hold forever with the company managing my student loans. I can't pay them, I have to reorganize this. As time passes, I am increasingly certain that unless I win the lottery, sign a gigantic record deal / TV contract / book deal, or marry very rich, I will just never be able to pay this shit off.

This song and video is really beautiful, and maybe my favorite Garbage song ever. It makes me miss my own auburn-haired UK powerhouse girl power icon, La JJ:

No comments: