2/10/09

Clue What Yr Doing

Tracking it, like keeping track of it. I've been rehearsing my show for the 24th. I'm really nervous about it. On one hand, I really want a lot of people to come, but on the other hand I'm really nervous about anybody seeing it. It feels very adolescent and teenage. It's really short and painful and embarrassing. well, not embarrassing. I'm getting over embarrassment. When I was in high school I went to Bikram yoga every day (this was 1999, honey, way before it was cool and way before your tired ass started doing it-- just saying). And I had this really great instructor, this former dancer turned yogic princess. I think she may have actually called herself Jasmine or something. Very East Bay California. Very kind of modern Liberal chic. Exotic. At the time, Bikram yoga places were sprouting up all over the East Bay, and there was a big scandal because at one of the centers, they trained their own instructors, which is a big no-no. Reggie Bikram himself later copyrighted the practice, but at the time it was just considered gauche. To be a real instructor you had to go to India and train. The way Jasmine had.

So I went to yoga like every night because I wanted to be thin, because I thought that if I got skinny people would like me more. Sadly true, but it didn't work until college (or even after college). And I'd go all the time and I got really good at it. At some point I missed a bunch of classes and when I came back it was really difficult. Jasmine said "I could see your heart. I could see your heart beating. Your young heart was working so hard tonight, Max." I said that I regretted not coming in for the last few days, and Jasmine totally flashed on me. She dropped the yogic goddess thing and got very ' real' and said in a sharp tone: "No. I don't like that. I think regret is really useless. It's totally pointless. No. Don't regret that." I think she meant for it to be consoling, but all it did was make me insanely curious about what had happened to her life, way back, before she went to India, that made her wrestle and get so worked up at the mere mention of the word 'regret'. I never did find out.

But these days I try not to regret a lot. It is, kinda, a waste of energy.

I used to be really into DBT but I don't like group therapy (not right now, anyways). The whole thing of skills, skilling really appealed to me. I like the idea of arming these groups of young neurotic self-injurious little (mostly girl) waifs with the skills to, in the actual words of the program "get what you want", using nothing but ideas and questions and good energy. I liked that but I have sort of moved on.

I've got this new kind of "get out of jail free" card for break-ups and arguments and any bad interaction with anyone. And when the boy you like doesn't like you or stops liking you or won't stop liking you. Or whatever the problem is. The new trick that I've been into (and am moving past) is pretty much just like my last post: secrets are about their keepers, lies are more about the liars than information. Like if some dude doesn't wanna bang you, it's his problem and his loss. This isn't being self-centered, it's more like: it is his decision to not make out, not my decision. Not my fault, not about me, really.

This is just an example because everyone wants to make out with me.
Gotcha.

But seriously, when I stress about shit I don't blame the other person I just realize that they're probably acting in the way that they think is right for them. Or, I don't even know why they do the things they do. I don't know why people fall into arguments or love with me. And I won't know whatever their motivation is. It's not my problem. It's not about me, really. So I can't fix it. So I'm gonna make a cup of coffee and just get on. No harm no foul and this is not about you Francine, but it was inspired by our quick quips this morning.

Speaking of LILY ALLEN. I still think she and I would get along really well. Her new record comes out today and it's title is very appropriate to this post. It's Not Me, It's You. How cute is that? It's a really great record but it's not the same kind of weird ska stuff as her last one, so Pitchfork prolly hates it. I hope she gets USA MTV famous. Lily and I would have a lot in common, I think. We're both hilarious, and battle insecurities. And now, we have even more in common with each other.

No comments: