You don't know what I'm thinking cause I'm not thinking anything

I guess I'm going to stay in tonight, and cook, and clean. And do my laundry. And rehearse my show for February 24th. It's not going to be very long, I'm getting good at it. I hope people will like it.

I don't feel very good today. But I feel like I'm supposed to. So I feel bad and then I feel guilty for feeling bad. I like it when, in lover's quarrels, people threaten suicide. "Well, how bout I just fucking kill myself, huh? Would you like it if I just blew my motherfucking brains out right now? You'd like that, wouldn't you?" I'm really into lover's quarrels because they're so foreign to me. I think I'd be really good at them though. My horoscope for today promised good feelings. Maybe I can still get them, but it seems doubtful.

And Lux Interior died. I never got to see the Cramps perform live, but I listened to them when I was in middle school. Lux Interior existed only in photos and songs for me, but still made a pretty big impression. Before I knew about him I didn't know that boys could do stuff like that, play around in drag and not necessarily be a girl. Also, at the time my only model of men in high heels was Rocky Horror or something. But Lux was tough, Lux was a punk rocker. He showed that you could be glamorous and horrible, boy and girl at the same time. He was also, I should say, a big influence on Peaches, and for that reason alone America's fags should mourn his death. Sad.

Quote by Lux Interior: "We're just people who remain ever-curious. We're just attracted to whatever comes in handy. Again, like the Surrealists, anything you run across is actually beautiful; within a single city block, you find miraculous things. It's a good planet -- and good things can happen."

I'm working on a new issue of my zine Scorcher. The last story in it is going to be like a creation-myth or bible story. I've been writing some more ROMANTIC things, because I was trying to make a point. But then I realized that I should just do whatever I want, generally, and not worry so much. SO the new issue is gonna be romantic and psychedelic and also biblical. I'm really into putting something from one place into every other place. From "BE BILLY":

In the beginning she had nothing but her nerve, one. The next day a button to keep it in. She fed and slept. First she grew a finger to trigger the button. Then she grew another nine. Yawning, purpose and circuit complete she could take her time.

I’m thinking about you and the lights are turning purple. I’m cutting off their blood, they’re gasping and I’m holding my breath lover. I know you’ll be back I’m just counting backwards from until I get back down to one.
I'm gonna play this song over and over tonight, really loud, while I scrub dishes and cook dinner. The video is really pretty, and reminds me of La JohnJoseph. I think Lisa Germano always does, though. Once, last spring, JJ said he was feeling down. "Funereal" was the word she used, and I dragged him to an iced cream social at my friend's house. In the hallway, someone was throwing out a copy of Lisa Germano's record Geek the Girl, and I told him he should really take it. It's perfect brooding music, for sad days. In the summer of 2007 I got dumped and I was horribly depressed. I spent some quality time on my bedroom floor that summer, with the blinds closed and the air condtioner on high, eating ativan pills and moaning along to that beautiful, beautiful record. I wanted la JJ to have a similarly cathartic experience, but as soon we got to the ice cream party, everyone just flipped out over him. It was one of the first, and certainly not the last times I saw a room full of strangers fall totally in love with him. He has that way about him. It's not like with other celebrities where you love them so much you start to resent them-- with La JohnJoseph you just see him nuture all this crazy goodness out of people. Everyone wants to be a better, nicer, smarter person around him. I think that's just great.

Lisa Germano and this video remind me of him because of that personal connection. Also because this video is like La JohnJoseph's new novel Everything Must Go. There's a certain romance in the gestures of tragedy, in the posturing of the American Gothic. By invoking little baby girls, La JohnJoseph isn't trying to shock and horrify (or, not JUST shock and horrify), but part of what is so beautiful and intense about this video and Everything is the juxtaposition in Lisa's voice: sexy, sad, dirty, sweet, and she knows it.

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