My horoscope for today (one of them) said that I would have hurt feelings. The other ones were more optimistic. I'm choosing to not go there today. I don't need any encouragement. I mean, generally, I don't need much encouragement.
And I don't get too much. So I don't need it. My ego doesn't hang on people urging me to continue because if it did then I don't know if I'd get much done. Anytime someone tells me they like something I've done or said, the conversation immediately becomes "I can do that too, y'know". It is really weird and really hard. Like, any sentence I get finished saying, I often feel like people are always ready to diagram it, correct its syntax. This usually happens with people who are in-between "friend" and "stranger". They feel like they need to "take me down a notch" because if I get my photo taken I must be self-obsessed and narcisisstic and it is their job to tell me exactly why I am not so cool. Okay, got that.
On the other hand, any sentence I finish saying is immediately repeated back to me, 'better'. In a weird way it's flattering, in that whole "imitation is the sincerest form of" thing. I am resisting the urge to feel defensive and possessive and territorial.
Growing up, everything was shared between my brother and I. Or at least it felt like that. I sort of wanted something just for my own, just for the sake of having some single thing that could be entirely mine and that I wouldn't have to share with anyone else. Something I wouldn't have to defend. I think about this often. I still have this sort of psychic poverty outlook. I am so defensive. I should try to connect with people, more, I guess. It's really hard.
It's especially hard because most everything I do (work, eat, sleep, write, sing, dance, blog, walk, talk, think, feel, etc.) is a series of exercises in communicating. I think we are all doing this all the time, "artist" or not. It's really frustrating. I am going to think about this and try to find a way to use this as an opportunity to connect with people and do something beautiful.