So Tough. So Hard.

So tough! He can't take anymore now he's getting weak!
So tough! Time to stop playing Hide and Seek!

So hard! Why do you think he got like that?

So hard! Don't think about it much it's just a rut.

He has fun experience.
Nothing he does never makes sense.
He is only curious.

Don't take it serious.

Really I'm just thinking over and over of the beginning of the song, on Cut, where they're whispering to each other. One of them mumbles in this thick brit tough girl dialect, in response to some garbled statement
"...no it's not, it's completely different...". I've been repeating this to myself. It's completely different. It's not the same thing. Why does everything have to be the same? Why does everything have to be familiar territory? I guess that's the trick of language, is that there are limits to it. You can only use the words you already know, to describe something. That's so lame, though. I'm gonna sneak out of it. I'm not gonna try to map the future onto the past and hope for the present. That's backwards. What if I didn't worry so much about doing and saying the exactly right thing? What if I didn't know what I was doing, really? That wouldn't be so bad.

Maybe I am really feeling the Slits because it's raining. I remember listening to them a lot in high school on rainy days, walking around the Mission and trying to let it seep into my brain. That song, "So Tough", is pretty important to me, for some reason. It's about Sid Vicious and Johnny Rotten. (I think). It's also about, you know, making fun of someone for being a tough guy. I want to make fun of myself for trying to be a tough guy. That song reminds me to lighten up.

Lady Miss Kier covers that song, sort of. It's a brilliant techno version, the track "Accelerate" on Jonny L's record Magnetic. It also always makes me thing of the Saint Etienne album So Tough, which has nothing to do with the Slits, except I like to listen to both on rainy days, I think. That's something in common.

I am performing tonight. I felt so insanely nervous this morning, about my performance and my social life. I forgot to burn a backing track CD of the song for tonight, so I have to run home to do that, like an idiot. But then I realized: like, what if it was all gonna be okay?

Right? Right.