6/9/09

Three Signs



Good Omen: Waking to the sound of thunder, over and over again. I kept visualizing it as chocolate. This says something about my subconscious. Distinct feeling of anticipation, even half-asleep. Something's building, sounds. Finally lightning struck close enough to set off all the car alarms in my neighborhood. Then I could go back to sleep. Woke up late, my alarm was turned off and the sky was black. Aspirations of power.

Good Omen: As I left the gym last night I ran into Timmy, who I wrote a short story about ("Come a Coven"). Thain read it at the event at Envoy. I'd been thinking about him recently. When we met, Timmy was training to become a nurse, and now he is one. He was wearing black scrubs and had a stethoscope in his pocket. I was aroused immediately. I saw him on his way home from the Emergency Room. He said "So if you ever get any lacerations, or anything, come see me. I guess you won't have a heart attack though, you're in good shape." Motioning to my sweaty gym shirt. His hair is graying, I told him it looks sexy. I told him I write a zine and I wrote a story about him and I wanted to show it to him and that he should call me. I was full of lactic acid and out of breath and he's a medical professional. I felt bold. It felt good.

Good Omen: Adam introduced himself to me on the train. He had seen me read the week before. Since meeting him I've see him everywhere. On the train, in bars, at parties, walking down the street right in front of my house. Everywhere. He's always very sweet. Adam is like an idealized version of me. He's taller than I am, and thinner than I am. He has better legs (the last time I ran into him he was wearing short shorts that I could never pull off). He has broader shoulders, is more muscular than I am. He's in graduate school, I think for writing. He works at a law firm, like I do, but his is a real law firm. He has to wear nice clothes to it. I bet his job is a lot harder than mine and I bet he's excellent at it. I suck at mine. He's an intellectual. His hair is curly like mine but a bit more in-control. He has bluer eyes and a cuter smile and no wrinkles on his face. I seem nervous, antsy, adolescent and always uncomfortable. Adam is calm, easy, sort of androgynous, sure. He seems happy, a lot happier than me. This is the thing I'm jealous of. I didn't know why he suddenly appeared in my life and why, further, he always talked to me. I thought maybe he thought I was cute or something, but that can't be it (most people don't think I'm cute-- only snobs. You know, connoisseurs). Adam is slightly older than I am. Maybe like a year older than me. But he's taller, and this makes him seem older, more real than I am. I used to think that Adam thought I was cute. Now I think that he is sent by the Universe, possibly from the future. I think he is supposed to show me something but I don't know what it is (yet). He might not know it either, he might not think he's here to teach me anything. I think the lesson is that if I can just make it through, just put up with the insurmountable task of living, then I might end up okay, like him. Auspicious.

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