Magickal Winking

I don't really have any idea what's going on.

Last Tuesday La JohnJoseph was supposed to sweep into town and we'd begin a week of rehearsals and chit-chat and generally cutting up. I was so excited. It was, like, my project. I told myself that afterward I would focus on boys again. Then, I would try dating again, since it is August and my birthday month. Last Tuesday La JohnJoseph was stopped at JFK customs and sent back to the UK without having been able to see or talk to any of his friends. I was heartbroken. I went out with an old flame that night to comisserate. Wednesday morning I went to get a filling done and had a pretty bad accident. My tooth (almost all of it) was broken, turning what would have been a 2-hour $80 procedure into what is now 3 months of oral surgery totaling at least $3,000 (if I go to the budget clinic). I'm going to Berlin at the end of August to play shows with la JJ, I hope I can get some of the surgery done before then. It was horrifying and quick and painful and it is still not resolved.

Then, a few hours after this happened I returned to work to a frantic text message and gmail chat conversations with Joseph Keckler and Earl Dax, saying to call Earl ASAP. Still dazed from my newly missing tooth, Earl called me and said "What are you doing Thursday night?" Before I could tell him about my tooth tragedy, he said "PERFORMING AT THE NEW MUSEUM IN LA JOHNJOSEPH'S PLACE. THAT'S WHAT. Ok. I'm gonna make some phone calls. Let's work out the details with Joseph."

And so began my week of magickal thinking. In a way it was nice to have this tooth drama to sort of cancel out my stress about performing last night at the biggest / most important venue I've ever been in. Every day at work I would chat with dentists and lawyers and clinicians and social workers. Every night I would come straight home from work (I haven't been to the gym in weeks, I'm going crazy) and run my show, tweaking it slightly, tightening some screws.

And last night was the show. And it went really well, I think. I've felt really chastened by the Universe, lately. Not just with the tooth, but really since last October when my friend Spencer suddenly passed away. Things have been okay, up and down. But something's been amiss. I feel like the Universe is making me softer, nicer, more aware or something. Maybe the word is sensitive but I'm a pretty sensitive ("touchy") person anyways. Last night I felt so lucky and privileged to be at the New Museum, surrounded by my friends, and performing with Joseph Keckler. I was pleasantly surprised that there were some fleeting similarities in our pieces (interspecies love, cat-ness). I am consistently floored by his talent. It's really awe-inspiring. The HOT! Fest has been kind of a holy grail for me-- when I first moved to NYC I was writing "Scorcher" cause I felt left out, and I remember seeing Earl Dax introduce Dan Fishback's "Please Let Me Love You" at the old Dixon Place. I thought it was just the coolest thing in the world-- the show was incredibly moving and the festival seemed perfect. That, I thought, was why I lived in NYC. And I've been lucky enough to participate. And I feel pretty happy about that, and I haven't really felt very happy in a long time.

This all being said: I am still missing my tooth!
But my little brother arrives tonight and I am so excited to take him around NYC for the first time, eating all the best pizza, but very slowly and only on the left hand side.


Amelia said...

woah its nice to read your soo happy. i havent read your blog in a bit bc my comp has been on the fritz but i recently saw grace jones live and it made me think about your blog. so im real glad that the first post i read your happy hope your mouth tooth thing gets better :)

Kevin said...

So, is there a gap in your mouth? I want to investigate this.

Anonymous said...

Nice Post