the screen called my face

I wanna shout it at high decibels I may be thick but cats don't know I'm flexible.

Mais non, je ne suis pas le PTA.

Maybe this is a really fucked-up sentiment to vent, but I'm going to do it anyways here on my personal web log. I'm a sort of uptight person, I've got a lot of hang-ups, and the nice thing about having a lot of hang-ups and being really uptight about certain things is that it makes me a more sympathetic and understanding person. I can spot other people's hang-ups, too.

The fucked part of this is that other people don't necessarily see this about themselves. Like, I'm not always totally aware of how weird I'm acting. I know other people aren't aware of it when they do it. Or, if they are aware they probably don't realize how uptight or weird they're being. Cause we would all like to think that our actions and feelings are in line with each other, and what we're doing is right. No one (basically) walks around knowingly treating people like shit-- they think they're doing the right thing.

Does that make any sense? So it's super duper frustrating lately to feel like I'm watching people be super weird and suffer and feel utterly powerless to a) help them b/c b) even pointing out how fucked they're being would cause various avalanches (I imagine) of self-pity or -doubt and probably piss everyone off. Usually we have to keep these things to ourselves.

I'm getting a really good sense lately of when people are actually talking to me and when they're talking to me as if I am a figment of their imagination, like I am comprised of nothing but their feelings about me, when someone is having a one-sided conversation with the movie they are projecting onto the Screen Called My Face.

It is as if the curtains have just been thrown open. The lights flicked on. And the kind of suffering that I thought had been my own private anguish, that only I knew about, is in fact now happening to everyone else all around me all the time. Like I learned how to hear the animals speak and now they won't shut up.

And now I don't know how much to let on that I let on.

1 comment:

Dusty St. Amand said...

I'm chock full o' hang-ups, therefore my detection of others' hang-ups is REALLY heightened. Mine are enough for me, so keeping other people's inside me too is taxing. But to expose people for what you know them to be will alienate you from the happy masses.