Mars in Leo.
A week in which everyone is born. All birthdays this week and all birthday parties. I've missed a few. I can't keep up. I keep having to go home early, because I'm scared I won't get enough sleep. On Monday night I had really horrible nightmares. I couldn't tell if I was awake or if I was dreaming. It felt like someone was holding their hand over my eyes and I couldn't open them. Thinking about reasons you can't sleep is a good way to keep yourself from ever falling asleep. I have to keep reminding myself that it was only a bad dream-- it's letting myself off the hook. It's encouraging myself, saying 'Look how active and rich of a subconscious you have, Billy! You have so much murky stuff floating around in your head that you can conjure up these intricately horrible nightmares!' but having to parse this out and take the three -- six -- seven hundred seconds that it takes to realize "this must be a dream" is pretty awful.
People often tell me that I'm in their dreams. I'm not bragging-- this isn't a value judgment. Not a positive one, anyway. It's because a lot of people (even / especially people I know and love) don't think I'm real, or, that I signify something other than myself. That I'm a cipher for, like, vanity, or stupidity or something. I get told a lot that I am in people's dreams. It's because a lot of people project their subconscious issues onto me, so I show up in their dreams, symbolizing something ridiculous and something I have no real control over.
I'm thinking about psychic and erotic violence. K8 Hardy and Wynne Greenwood began looking at similar violence in their New Report, ways in which television cameras perform a kind of mass cultural vivisection of women: showing their bodies without faces. What does this mean?
I am thinking in my own life about the violence boys do to each other in bed. Like how we break apart each other's bodies in new mappings of our desires. And how to carry around the various maps, overlaid with each other. I used to have this, but then I lost it, but you can have it too.
Feeling combustible and hopeless.