I don't even want to share all of these ideas that I'm having, because I want to put them in my new show. And part of the project of this new show is to express a certain kind of generosity and good feeling, I know, and in keeping with that I really ought to try them all out, but I feel protective of them. The new ways I'm imagining to love you.
The idea for my show is that Billy is writing a suicide letter and it becomes a series of love notes. And he realizes that perfecting how he expresses affection and desire is enough of a reason to not kill himself. At least for the length of the (still-hypothetical) show. Nice, huh? So I can't get into it all the way here, I feel like it'd be giving something away. But I'm ruminating on the idea that feeling sexy and feeling like I like you makes me feel, generally, better. I need to find a more spcific way of putting it. You want me to express affection for you in public, because that feels real to you, or valid or something. I want to shout it from the rooftops if it will make you feel good. I never get embarassed. If you want it you can have it, it doesn't cost me anything.
Yeah, so last night I came home after a really inspiring lecture by the legendary Vaginal Davis, after which PLD and I dined on free cupcakes and wine and had a gossip session with Ms. Davis, where she revealed that A Certain Punk Icon Whom I Have Always Wanted To Bone is in fact a Tranny-Chaser. Among other hilarious / necessary gossip bits. So inspired and affirmed and I'll be thinking about it for a long time.
But so I came home and was a little tired and was quietly cooking myself dinner (making a salad). And I was thinking about you, and it hit me: what if we could go on a real, bona fide date? Like a serious one, not where we just get drunk at the Metropolitan and meet up with one of our groups of friends or something, or where we go to a house party and try to focus on each other when other poeple are interrupting us. I mean a real date, where we go to a restaurant or something and are probably too self-conscious to eat (or, more likely, are nervous so eat a lot).
I want to get you alone, because I want to have a serious conversation with you.
I was thinking of how perfectly I could articulate my desire for you. Last night I was focusing as hard as I could about what I would say to you, to most consicely express how I feel. And I thought "You should really tell him this, this is something he might want to know".
I almost wrote you a love note online today but I thought it might be creepy so I'm writing it here on my blog instead. I know you don't read it, but you should. I wish you wanted to get to know me better, because I want to get to know you. Know you better, I mean.
I was practising too, on Bobo. How to put how I feel about someone I really love? I told her this: "God, I love you. In my eyes, you can do no wrong. You're perfect. It's like someone designed you in a laboratory to be my perfect match. It's uncanny. Like you're some kind of top-secret project, funded by some previously unknown Utopian country, hellbent on making me happy. And they dreamed you up and built you perfectly."
The problem with this feeling is that it's not limited. I want to tell the whole world. I remember the first time I did acid (with Bobo) I told her I felt like text messages were under my skin. Then the second and last time I took acid (again with Bobes) I felt like I wanted to text the whole wide world. I felt, in other words, that my impulses are leading me out of my own head and my impulses are encouraging me to connect more with people. And I follow my impulses. I have deliberately poor impulse control. I'm not into restraint. I'm a women's libber. All kinds of liberation.
And I'm worried that I can't connect with enough people quickly or efficiently enough. Once, I was in love and the other guy felt like he needed to connect with other people in addition to / instead of me and it really broke my heart and I felt real shitty. And now I don't. And now I sort of "get it" a bit more, but it's still hard to make my point.
And then as I was falling asleep I jumped out of bed to write this down quickly. This is the only thing here that's gonna make it into the show.
THE WAY YOU MAKE YOUR 'S' SOUNDS REALLY TURNS ME ON.
Sometimes you're lisping, sorta. Like you make your 's' sounds into long, soft 'c' sounds. Like saying the color "Cyan" or something. I think that you mostly make that sound because you don't push the tip of your tongue all the way to the back of your front teeth when we're hanging out together and you wanna make an 's' sound. And I would further posit that you don't push your tongue there because you're smiling. I hope I'm the reason you're smiling. Maybe you're making this kind of 's' sound because it sounds precise, romantic, effete but still decipherable. Because now you know that I am paying attention to where in your mouth your tongue is.
Sometimes you really make a different 's' sound, where you curl the tip of your tongue up to the roof of your mouth. it sounds like every 's' sound is "sh", or almost like it's a "zs" sound, like "Zsa Zsa Gabor". It's really sexy. I don't know if you actually make this sound all the time of if you only do it around me. Maybe it's narcisisstic to think that you make special sounds just for me. Maybe it's narcisisstic to think that I'm the only one who notices it. In any case, I'm going to tell you what the sounds this type of 's' makes me think about, and whether or not yr doing it on purpose you can take credit for it. When you're making this weird 's' sound that sounds almost like an unvoiced, soft 'J' sound, it makes me think about butchness. Like it sounds like a gesture towards a kind of "frat-boy" or fake masculine or something. It's like you're wearing a backwards baseball cap, and I know it's not your style. It's goofy. It's unselfconscious and that really gives me a hard on and I want to investigate the other kinds of 's' sounds you make and what exactly your tongue does to get there.