I don't often say this, but I feel sorry for you. You think that if you prepare for the worst-case scenario, that if you function using the lowest common denominator, that when life inevitably fucks you that you'll at least be prepared. At least, you figure, it won't be a surprise.
I'll be specific because I love you and I want you to feel good (all the time, I'm totally obsessed with it). You're always telling yourself and other people that you don't deserve to feel happy, that no good news is coming your way. To wit: you assume yourself that the boy you think is hot doesn't like you back, will never like you. Or doesn't like you back enough, or something. You decide that you will always feel bad, that there's no use getting your hopes up. You figure that if you convince yourself to feel shitty and slighted and unhappy now, then when the boy you think is hot doesn't want to go on a date with you, or you don't get the job you wanted, or you feel too tired and angry to hang out with your friends, or whatever, then later on the disappointment won't feel like so much of a surprise. And, you figure, by dumping yourself beforehand, you'll save yourself some heartbreak when someone else does it to you.
How's that working out for you?
I'm sorry-- I don't mean to make a joke out of it. I only make jokes because I love to see you smile. I'd do any number of embarrassing and painful things just to get a chuckle out of you. It's true.
You think there's no reason to get excited or to get happy because at a moment's notice things can and do change, and then where will you be? So instead of enjoying an afternoon before you have to go do your chores, you worry about your chores all afternoon. What good is that?
Futility is exhausting. I absolutely know this. I want to convince you of it as well, using my body and my words. You and I are not exhausted, this proves we have potential. We're made of highly volatile and combustible atoms. Our molecular structures are changeable; when we kiss it's an actual science experiment. That's what there is to get so fucking excited about.
You're refusing to participate, because you're holding back. You think you can arm yourself, preempt every single disappointing thing that could and will ever happen to you. This is so insanely arrogant that I think it's sweet, in a way. Sort of naive, the way you think you can trick yourself into experiencing disappointment beforehand. I'm talking mostly but not entirely about Romance. You break up with yourself so someone else can't. You stand yourself up. You cheat on yourself. And you catch yourself. And it hurts.
But what if the next time we could just chill out, you know? Not worry so much about something that might or might not hurt. We're so scared of pain that we end up putting ourselves through more of it by fighting it. It's like we're training for a fight with Pain and we think that if we practice fighting pain we'll get better at it. We don't ever get better at it. Pain takes us by surprise, that's why it's so formidable. But pain is only half of it.
What if we didn't think about what might / could hurt? What if you let yourself feel exactly as good as you ought to? What would it look like if you greeted your future with an open heart?
I think often about this photo. It's very inspiring to me. It says that we can greet the new day with a steady gaze, a calm energy, and Total Fucking Beauty. It's in my collection of Things I Look At Or Think About When I Am Feeling Overwhelmed, and it's only one of many things I'd like to share with you.