TRADING UP! Switching as crucial for positive improvement. Regular practices, and how we devise and implement them.
I want to tell you all about my fabulous weekend, but there are a lot of reasons why I won't. At some point I think my friends came up with the following motto for 2010: KEEP THE PARTY GOING. This doesn't mean "be fucked up all the time" or "don't sleep, ever". In fact, on Friday night I did just that (sleep), a lot. I stayed in, because sometimes keeping the party going means resting, recuperating and thinking about how you feel. That's part of the party. It's all part of the party. Inertia is formidable. Why fight it when you can ride it?
I sort of feel like I lost some weight. And the weight was worry. And the weight was promising that variable facts of my life can and will make me feel bad. I feel like I've just chilled out. The things that stress me out in my life do not feel like they would benefit by my agony. My agony is best used when I'm sweating underneath or above you. My agony is best put to the use of someone else. My Agony is Best Used When Transposed Into Romance.
"The snow started again uh-oh. The streets are laden with ice".
Thinking a fair bit about how the first time I saw Katy Davidson perform, at the 40th Street Warehouse in Oakland, was probably almost ten years ago. And she sat down in a hoodie and jeans and played songs from this e.p. and I thought it was really sad and beautiful. Then halfway through the show, she said "Excuse me", put down her guitar, stood up from the chair and pulled down her pants, revealing a pair of really cute red and white fancy Adidas track shorts. She sat back down and picked up her guitar to play the next song. Tuning it, she said "so, how do you guys like my knees?" So the dominant themes are: acoustic performances, secret cavalier confidence, the passing of time and singing about it in a way that sounds sad but is really triumphant, my teenage years as a scenester, Oakland, Hoodies. Being happy. Blonde.
this is my friend Johnny Darling standing in front of the sign at the New Museum
At one point I felt really lucky, then I felt really awful and once I started to feel good again, I had lived with this really intense fear that I would feel awful again. And I've cycled through this a few times, actually. And right now, anyway, I'm not so terrified.
I regularly choose the imaginary over the real. I vote for the Fantasy Party, I always have and I usually almost always will. This is difficult, to express this inclination. Because it means that I prefer the image of you in my mind more than the real person. Is that fair? No. I'm being honest and I hope I won't hurt your feelings, to tell you that you could never live up to the imaginary version of you I have in my mind's eye. I am constantly adding details. Maybe you speak Portuguese or something, y'know?
This is not to say that you and my fantasy of you do not intersect. This is to say that I am choosing, generally, to live in a world in which you constantly surprise me, I am constantly able to engage with and discover new things about you and new ways to tell you I love you for these small surprises.
This is a secret message from me to you. It's also some graffiti I saw a little while ago, on 14th street. But I found it to show you.
One highlight of the weekend was that very early in the morning on New Year's Day, when we should all have been asleep, my good friend La JohnJoseph called me to wish my happy new year. I screamed and everyone made fun of me for running around like a little girl, but it was so nice to hear his voice.
Yesterday 'morning' when I got home I was in a typically cheerful mood, if un(der)slept, and took a really long hot shower with my fancy new products and sort of luxuriated around my apartment for a few hours. I felt exactly like this video, which La JJ showed me those few years ago, and I felt as if I was worshipping at the altars of JJ and Annie Lennox at the same time.