I think the Universe really is providing me with a rare opportunity for growth, and I may or may not be too chickenshit to rise to the occasion. I am working very hard on using my imagination for the power of good. What can we dream up?
Thinking again and more and harder about onomatopoeia, words that sound like what they describe. Like:
Or maybe also something the word "lover", which I've been harping on pretty hard for a few years now. Not because it sounds like what it describes, but because I like the shape your mouth makes when you say that word. When you call me that (you may not be aware of it, I think it's subconscious) you close your eyes a little, like halfway. Forty percent. You look sort of sleepy when you say it, and it makes me (subconsciously, I'm only aware of this thought process afterward, when I write it down) start thinking about you asleep, and being in bed with you.
Gosh, I really like that phrase: "sleepy when you say it".
But like I said, that's not really onomatopoeia. The word "lover", I mean.
Into playing this game with my friends called "Cool Rock Couple" where you would say who you are and who you are hoping to meet. Like, for example, "Mick Jagger looking for my Marianne Faithfull" or "Mick Jagger looking for my Keith Richards" or whatever. It's a really hard game to play in terms of narrowing yourself down to just one, but I sort of feel like maybe I'd be Christina Martinez looking for my Jon Spencer.
"I think it's what really makes you attracted to anyone. I mean, it's pretty narcissistic. It's just because they're like yourself, and you recognize yourself in them. So I think why we're attracted to each other is probably because we're exactly the same."
That's just one way of looking at it, for me. I guess the problem with this game is that it's limiting. But isn't everything? Maybe not. Maybe I am looking at this from a "glass half empty" place because I didn't get enough sleep last night or something.
I don't know. I am doubting myself. This is what I mean about having the opportunity to grow. You can either let the world show you a bad side of human nature or you can let the world show you something that doesn't fit into your world-view and you can change your world-view to accommodate it, and that doesn't mean you're in denial or being stupid or whatever.
I have decided to not worry and I have decided that things are radically different than they were one week, three weeks, 17 months ago, even. Way different.
Pretty awesome night, with champagne, bubble bath, and a immense cat. This morning I was thinking a lot about how my exact feelings, when I let all of this secondary self-sabotaging 2005-ish loathemobile shit go, is a lot like this video. This is maybe one of my all-time favorite things in the world. It's an early video by my friend Richert Schnorr, featuring the crazy talented Miriam Levin, who has since moved on to Europe. This is one of the first videos that they did together, and ultimately lead to the music video / album that I was lucky enough to participate in, GRAPHIC.GLORY. (One of the videos on the album, Wait For The Dawn, is a really steamy makeout scene with Miriam and I. Just sayin).
Anyways, this is one of my perennial favorites. This is me, today.
Stumbling upon graffiti: DON'T TEST ME BITCH.
I think everything is going to be good. I understand that I am going to have to participate in this new goodness. I am excited and ready to prove it to you.