Affection, Reprimands, and the Biggest Heart

  • Blue leather hi-top shoes from Europe.
  • Cerasee tea.
  • Walt Cessna's opening last Friday night was really amazing. Hosted by everyone's favorite queer art magazine Try State, it was packed and gorgeous. Beyond honored to be included in the pictures, among such luminaries as Nicholas Gorham and Brandon B. The show will be up until March 22 in NYC at Live Fast. PLEASE GO CHECK IT OUT.
  • English cold medicine I bought over the summer in Heathrow. I have been hoarding it like magick, only using it when absolutely necessary. This morning as an indulgence.
  • T-shirt either looks like outer space or jism, depending.
  • The idea of outer space as an interior emotional place / system.
  • Yvonne Rainer's No Manifesto. Taken entirely out of context and paraded for my own, like vintage jewelry.
  • Friday night's Birdsong reading was really great. PAPS did another wonderful set. Friends near and dear to us all.
  • Trying to think of new ways to show you affection. New places to kiss you.
  • Watching the Mariah Carey video for Heartbreaker, really feeling it. Every aspect, almost.
  • Mariah Carey, just generally. For me, personally, enjoying Mariah Carey is sort of a Buddhist experience of keeping my heart open and remaining true and present in the experience.
  • Performing last night at Joe's Pub, as part of the Jeffery and Cole Family Radio Programme. Even with a nascent headcold and blistering hangover, it was so much fun and really exciting to perform.
  • Erin Markey, as always. What an inthpiration. Last night I had a dream that I was breaking up with her. This came as a shock to her in the dream, since we're not going out or anything. In the dream, she was confused, but was very understanding. I sobbing hysterically in the dream (which is how I know it's a dream-- I never, ever cry in real life) and I just kept telling her "I'm sorry. I can't do this. We can't be together. I really like you, but I can't do this." Even in the fantasy dream, I realized that it wasn't about Erin Markey. I think she realized that too.
  • Oatmeal with peanut butter and hot sauce for breakfast.
  • I was feeling really awful one day last week so I went to the gym and I listened to house records and I ran as fast and as hard as I could for my allotted 20-minutes on the treadmill and even though I can't cry I can get close and I was really feeling... something. A couple of sentences occured to me. Unfortunately this is the best possible outcome. I had an idea. I fucking knew I was going to, too. So I put some of the sentences aside for a future performance idea (currently titled ENCOURAGER) and I used some of the sentences in a new story I read at Birdsong, called "Hello Bluebird". I wanted to find a way to express the complicated, sort of resigned ways in which we seek each other out with the knowledge that we're not really looking for each other. Per se. Or, you're not seeing me when you're looking at me, but I can still feel it. Does that make any sense? It did to me.
  • I wish I could go to the gym again tonight but I feel really sick and gross. And awful. We'll see.
  • On Sunday morning you mentioned that Patti Smith is good friends with Anne Demeulemeester. I don't know if I had heard that before or not, but it struck me as totally hilarious, in the way that true things often do. We had a few chuckles about that. About the scene. I imagined hanging out with both of them at the same time. Anne says: "Patti, I like your white shirt." Patti says: "Well, I like your white shirt, too, Anne." I imagined myself popping up in between them, saying: "Well ladies, I like both of your white shirts."

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