Gonna Let You

Last night I watched this documentary Lagerfeld Confidential. It was sort of depressing. I wanted Karl to reveal himself as secretly enthralled, romanced, seduced by... something. Beauty? Clothes? Money? Boys? He has this inscrutable, almost Zen philosophy about not being attached to anything. He says that he lives for change. For him, to move on from a person, a place, anything, is no big deal. He thrives on change. He waxes poetic about how one can only live in the present moment. About how possessions weigh you down. About how you can't waste your time talking about the "good old days" because they're gone. And if things really are getting worse, he says, if things really used to be better, then you might as well give up. But he's had a really wonderful, cushy job for over twenty years. And the opening scene is his apartment. He has something like ELEVEN iPods. That's a lot to be weighed down with. He also cannot fly or fall asleep without clutching a stuffed pillow from his childhood to his stomach. I don't know. I still think some of his clothes are cool. And I'm sure his world makes sense to him. I think I'm just in the mood to be bummed out. As usual.

At the end of the film, Karl stresses the point that he doesn't want the filmmakers to imply that he is lonely. That for him, for people in his position, solitude is a victory. I finished the film and I had dreams of walking angrily out of my job. I woke up stressed out. I think I could have avoided this if the film had like one second of Karl cruising the young models he surrounds himself with. I want to see him enflamed by desire. Even a very strict, Continental, "Professional", fleeting, don't-get-too-attached-to-the-feeling kind of desire.

In my documentary, I want to show Karl Lagerfeld and everyone else talking about something they really like. Someone they really want to fuck them. Their favorite food. The colors they dream in. The name of their first pet.

Yesterday I got Planningtorock's Have It All Stringed Up EP in the mail. I'd been lusting after it for a little while.

It's really beautiful. It's nice to really want something, and imagine that it'll be great, and then when it finally happens, for it to be great. One of the tracks on the EP is a remix of this song, "Changes". Even though it's one of her hits, I never really got into it, because I don't like change. I think of myself as someone who really digs reliability, loyalty, consistency. But I am realizing that this just isn't realistic. I've changed a lot, even just in the past couple of weeks. And I'm going to keep changing. I don't mind it. I need it.

I began today by feeling really helpless (Un Jour, as Herr Lagerfeld would say, in his adopted mother-tongue Comme Un Autre). I think, ultimately, it is okay to be helpless. It's okay to be confused and it's okay to admit when you are weak. And it's okay to not be the boss. And it's okay to not know what you want. And it's okay to wear pink. And it's okay to let people fuck you. And it's okay to be scared.

And, then, after those, it's okay to change your mind.

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