Yesterday I ran into my friend John on the train and we were talking about the warm weather here in NYC. He said he was excited for Spring and I warned him not to get his hopes up, that we're not out of the woods yet, that March could still go out like the proverbial lion. But, then I looked at the weather forecast and today is also gorgeous. My coworker sagely reminded me that in fact Spring Officially Begins this weekend. I think I need to check my pessimism, right?
Often, my M.O. is to wait for the other shoe to drop. I am always trying to not get my hopes up. And that never helps. Like, you think that you can spare yourself some disappointment by trying to prepare for the worst. But that doesn't work cause then you're still disappointed now you've sabotaged your fun by preparing for the worst.
You think that by being vulnerable, intimate with someone that you deserve a prize. That to be real or honest or something means that your nakedness will always be confirmed by the world around you. You think you really know someone, really well, and then they do something unconscionable, and you can't reconcile what you know with what you do not understand.
And having to expand yr mind to include for the possibilities is painful. That expansion of possibility hurts. And you think (maybe-- not to put words in yr mouth) that there will be some balm for this. But there isn't-- the pain is the reward. That's the prize. It sucks and it is also fucking awesome. This is what I meant in my previous post, about how "We're all capable of anything."
Springtime for me always has this really insane combination of excitement and dread. All of a sudden everything is coming back to life and it is up to me to capitalize on the possibilities. PossiBillyTies. And I think, this time, that I just might.