Too Through, Too True
The world is too big and too vast, encompassing too many possible futures of feeling good. There are too many options in which everyone wins, there are so many possibilities that it boggles, pains the mind to try to grapple with them. In the face of such profound uncertainty, such a staggering array of ways for things to work out, how can you focus on trying to hurt someone else's feelings? This is what I am grappling with. Readers of this blog know that I am definitely woo-woo, that I go in for all that psychoanalysis, horoscope, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy and self-administered medication and consciousness-raising stuff. I'm really into the trip of feeling good, of recuperating, of figuring out, of talking about it. So it's not as if I am without a language to use to understand, describe, and communicate my feelings. I just think it's kind of a waste of time, sometimes.
Let me explain. It feels kind of important to me to write this blog, have a facebook page, Twitter or whatever. It's important to be to feel like I exist in a continuum of real people who can communicate to each other. It feels important to me to be, like, something approximating real or present or whatever. So the upside of this, obviously, is that I have met and continue to meet some really wonderful and amazing people by putting myself and my work out there. There is absolutely no better payoff in the whole world. For anything, ever. About a year ago a really rad 18 year-old girl, whom I don't know and is not part of the same 'scene' (you know what I mean) as me or my friends, wrote me a really amazing story in an e-mail cause she read the blog. And then we sort of became pen pals. This has been, to my mind, the crowning achievement of every art thing I have ever done in my whole life, every bit of press and every part of everything. I made a new connection! Anyways, you can read her Tumblr here. This was just an example.
The downside of this is that when I get static from people I make the mistake of thinking it's about me. You know? When someone treats someone else with such unmitigated rancor, it's more about the Teller than the Told. Maybe that sounds new-age-y, but it's important for me to remind myself. I've been feeling pretty low in the last couple months, trying to claw my way out of it by consciously forgetting when people do something really mean to me. I don't know. On one hand I don't want to give this any more airtime, I am less and less interested in the message of "fuck the haters" because who wants to talk to a Hater? The thing about being vicious and mean is that it comes from a place of pain. And at a certain point, when people would be mean to me, or come after me or something, I felt like the right response would be to get into it with them, to take it on as my problem, to try to help them understand their pain or whatever it is in their past that makes them want to see me cry or something. And I don't know if I feel like that, really, today.
My point is: it feels good to focus on feeling free. I don't want to diagram a sentence when the sentence is you saying how much you hate me. That's not interesting and it doesn't make me want to engage with you. Let's find a new feeling, a new way to connect to people.
And, also, this song, too: