The Dog Part

I'm so sure.

Yesterday went to go get another procedure done for my dental implant. It's been exactly a calendar year since the accident which broke an otherwise healthy tooth. They put in my titanium implant in January and yesterday was to see if it was stable and healing well enough to proceed.

Bottom line / The Good News: it's stable, it's healing, and I am going to start getting a new tooth in a few weeks. The Bad News: the implant was placed at the wrong angle, and is ever so slightly protruding into my gums. You can't see it or feel it, I hadn't noticed and it has been this way for the last six months. But it's stable, apparently is not uncommon, and I guess everything is okay. That is what has to be the truth, that everything is okay.

So I'm a bit freaked out about that. And also, just generally. It's been a year. And in the last year some amazing things have happened to me, but this whole tooth breaking process has been agonizing. I mean, physically yes it hurts. But more than that, it's a lot of not knowing what's going to happen, a lot of me feeling very freaked out and very lonely and powerless. And not really having any way to fix the situation. And not really having anybody to talk to about it. And a lot of me pretending that my entire face doesn't hurt, or that I'm not completely terrified. It's been rough.

I really feel low today. I'm trying to shift my thinking about this to the idea of: "it's okay to feel bad sometimes," since my usual thought is "you have no right to feel blue, you're so selfish, what do you have to complain about?" and that's really tiring. At the same time, I wish Feeling Bad was less habitual for me. I wish I spent less time doing it. I feel shitty.

I'm really unhappy with how things are going. I feel very dissatisfied with what's going on. Simple DBT techniques to try at home: Radical Acceptance. "I accept it, but I do not approve of it". Whitney's "It's not right, but it's okay" comes to mind. I wish I could radically accept my life-position. Things which should fulfill me do not. I am having difficulty expressing my feelings, or really having any feeling other than anxiety, sadness. I can't bring myself to meet anybody's gaze because I'm afraid they'll see the bad mood / murky funkiness which I sometimes think of think of as "the real me". I doubt my ability to do anything, the choices I've made for myself. This is one of those days I am preserving for posterity's sake. I hope this goes away and quick. Feelings are not facts. Feelings are not punishment or prizes. Feeling bad doesn't mean I'm bad. I think.

I feel really bereft. Like on the inside. I wish I could talk myself out of the funk. I wish it would, at least, be compelling. It's a dead end. I need to drop it. I feel like a dog, bringing a dead bird, some dug-up roadkill or something, into the house. And the Master part of my brain (who am I kidding? Mistress) is chiding the Dog Part, saying "Drop It. Put It Down." but the puppy doesn't understand why Mistress is yelling.

I just want something good to happen.

I need to work on my new show, a short new performance piece which will happen once, on July 21st, at this year's Hot! Festival at Dixon Place. Billy Cheer's Love Note for Dance.

1 comment:

Samuel said...

I'm sorry to hear about your accident, Billy. What happened exactly? My father also got caught up in an unfortunate event a couple of years ago, and it called for a dental implant as well. He was playing basketball with my son when his tooth got knocked off by my son's elbow. I took him to my dentist (Bartlett-based) right away for immediate treatment. After some time, I asked a few Bartlett dentists for advice, and they said that a dental implant would be fine despite Dad's old age. Anyway, I hope you're all okay now. Nice blog!