When I arrived at work this morning, eight minutes late, the doorman and the superintendent of my office building where having a conversation in the lobby about this Monday morning's energy.
Walter, the doorman: ...No, I feel good. I feel good and I'm gonna stay that feeling good. I have made my decision. Today is gonna be a good day. I am gonna maintain this feeling.
Joe, the super: Yeah, I hope so. I hope this week is better than last week. Last week was rough, man.
Walter: You have to decide. (Turning to me, waiting for the elevator). Right, Billy?
Joe: ...last week, I was just kinda on edge. All week. It was rough.
Walter: It's like fighting an adversary. You can't let him outwit you, get in your mind. You have to stay positive. Right, Billy?
Billy (stepping into the elevator as the doors close): Yeah. You have to clear your mind. And the rest will follow.
Then I realize that's not the quote I mean to say. Or is it? The clinical term here is a Freudian slip. But this morning went well. The hazy, oppressive gloom has given way to a kind of insincerely beautiful day. I feel like a chump for bringing an umbrella to work. That's my pessimistic streak showing through. Bright gray no matter the weather. Oh well, small price to pay.
OK. I am not going to freak out, but I am going to stay positive and productive and I am going to throw myself into the Universe's arms. And see where she wants to take me.
Weekend began on Thursday as they almost always do. This time at Lady Rimalower's house with my friend Stevie (visiting from Berlin), Cole Escola, Erin Markey, Bridgett Everett, Perfect Li'l Daniel and Ptrck. We all had too much fun and there were many jokes about that evening's snack, FBCs (Fresh Baked Cookies). See the photo above. That's the party spread. White wine, cigarettes, cheese and crackers. And cookie dough. I came home early but had horrible awful insomnia. It was just the worst.
Friday night back at Ben's. Ptrick and I ultimately left to meet up with Sister Pico at the bar. Good quiet evenings. Finally Slept. Saturday was busy, more party times. Performed alongside Dan Fishback at Shelly Mars' BULLDYKE CHRONICLES at Dixon Place. I read my story "Lingua" about my vacation last summer to Germany. It was a really great time, and Shelly is a big inspiration for me. Here's a cute little pic I snapped of her:
Then we all high-tailed it over to Charlie's house party! / Birthday party! I'm so glad we're neighbors. Here's a picture of Ptrck wearing some refrigerator magnets as earrings.
From there more dance parties, more bars, went to a diner where Cole got us all VIP treatment, then hung out on our roof. Yesterday I retired and relaxed.
So now it's Monday and things are going okay, I guess.
THE TRUTH IS: I'm totally freaking out because I'm kind of facing my destiny.
I am super duper broke. In desperate need of cash. And I almost turned down a plumb gig because I thought it'd be more trouble than it's worth. And I want to not have trouble. Or, my first inclination is to stick to the kind of trouble I already am familiar with.
So I'm going for a new kind of trouble and the newness is scary and thrilling.
I am going to perform a new show this Sunday. Yes, that's on Gay Pride. It's going to be at the Queens Museum of Art. And it's going to be called:
MOON + ENCOURAGEMENT
And I am very excited to share this with those of you who would like to come. It will be free. And it will be kind of scary. Part of it, the story of it, is a little bit scary. But I think we can use fear as a measure of our aliveness. Fear is an intrinsic, vital measure of courage. It's one of the main ingredients.