The Color of Enlightenment

I had so much fun last night at the Jeffery and Cole Casserole Season 2 Premiere Party. I was dancing with the inimitable Gerry Visco and I could barely keep up and she said: "If you can't take the heat-- THEN GET OUTTA THE KITCHEN!!" It was so great. There were fantastic snacks and nice cold drinks and much dancing and merriment and the new episode was just so fucking great. A really wonderful evening. I was thinking, like, how truly lucky I am to get to have nights like that. I feel really happy about it. I'd get into the nitty gritty of just HOW wonderful it was, but suffice it to say I was among friends and getting pretty fancily snacked up for FREE and it was so much fucking fun and nice and magickal. I just cannot say this enough.

Now, for the bad news: during a frenzied attack on the hors d'oeuvres, I managed to bite my tongue, on the underside, quite badly. It is now definitely very painful to do things such as: eat, talk, be awake or alive, really, at all. I seem to remember hearing that the tongue (the inside of the mouth actually) was one of the fastest-healing parts of the human body. I hope this is true and that my tongue heals PRONTO because I have a lot of eating and talking to do.

PLD and Ptrck. Have you ever seen such cute boys?

Scissor Girls, SG Research

Feeling more than a little bit weird, I guess. About lots of different things. Next week I am getting my new tooth installed on Wednesday, then if everything goes well having some fillings done the next day. It will be the week of Dental Work for Billy. And, hopefully, the end of a really long, drawn-out, and pretty horrible experience. So there's some real apprehension there. (When I say "there" I'm pointing to my heart). Pray for me, kids.

Newly discovered species of jellyfish at the bottom of the Atlantic ocean.

Also just dealing with some old feelings. Want to remain cognizant of the fact that what I am thinking about is "old". As in: I don't necessarily have to keep reacting the same way to it. It's kind of hard to put. When I had my shrink up until pretty recently, I was describing some awful feeling or exchange I had had, and I said "I ALWAYS... and I NEVER..." the way I am usually wont to do. We kind of broke down the situation I was talking about, and related it to various other things that've happened in my past, which could maybe have prompted my reaction. She made a really good point about this. I am paraphrasing but don't be surprised if this kind of self-help mumbo-jumbo starts turning up in what I generously refer to as "my work".

The good point she made is this: The "always" and "never" reactions are, basically, the reactions of the child's mind. When we have these really extreme reactions to things, in terms of "always" and "never", what we're actually reacting to, what the feelings are about, are things that have already happened in the past.

Isn't that a good point? Maybe that really is worth the money I had to shell out every week. Oh well. At least I got that kernel of wisdom.

Penny Arcade at a gay pride party the other week. I told her I liked her yellow pants and she told me that Yellow is the Color of Enlightenment. I have a yellow lighter and it literally does enlighten. As with most things Ms. Arcade says, I am inclined to agree.

So without getting too-too into my feelings (or WHATEVER), suffice it to say that I am dealing with some old things. I just kind of wish I could change. I guess this is how one goes about changing. My first instinct is to be like "Man, I wish certain things didn't so reliably upset me, and make me flip out". But I don't wanna just be down on myself, so I am trying to look at the bigger picture. And the bigger picture is this: it really, really sucks that I have such sensitive spots in my life, such profound insecurities around very tiny, almost secret things. But what doesn't really really suck about that is that at least it lets me know what it's like to feel really bummed. And I earned these sensitive spots. And I think it makes me respectful and appreciative of other people. Anyways.

Mary Heilmann, Some Pretty Colors, 2001

Anyways I'm dealing with some unpleasant feelings. BUT WHO ISN'T? Gawd, my fucking tongue hurts so bad. My Lesson To You: Don't bite your tongue, if you can help it. I'm excited to go to the gym tonight, I guess. Maybe eat some soup. I have some writing I really, really, really need to be doing. And I'm excited to do that, I guess. I wish that things felt a little bit easier. But sometimes just that wish is as close as I'm gonna get to it actually being easy. Which is kind of close, I guess.

Kat Bjelland on Courtney Love's Behind the Music

Trusting my guts. They trust me, so I trust them. That's actually what confidence is, right? Like you've put your confidence in someone or something, you have faith in them, you trust them. Some people are very self-confident.

Damn, what a rad, inspiring game that would be to make a list of the things you are confident in, people you trust, things you believe in. I once made a list on this blog of things I do and do not believe in, which was also a fun game.

But, really, the overarching art project of human life, which is MAKING LISTS OF THINGS YOU CAN BELIEVE IN AND DEPEND UPON is so hard, and inspiring, and unavoidable. And it keeps changing!

And it will take you at the very least until you die to ever finish.
And sometimes, the certainty of that feels pretty fucking great, too.

1 comment:

Todd X. said...

My condolences to your tongue.