Empty Box Blues

Totally want to just do a blow-by-blow of this weekend, but I'm not gonna for two reasons: a) I would probably forget something or misquote someone and b) I don't want my blog to just be something about like "you had to be there". SO suffice it to say that I'm essentially living between weekends, which have been slowly creeping into the work week, to the point that PLD and I noted on Saturday that, really, only Monday and Tuesday are real weekday days. By Wednesday it feels like the end is in sight, which might as well mean it's the weekend. Friday is, basically, just a formality.

Anyways so I really like my new job. It's so cool to be working as an arts admin again. I am, though, totally broke now. I feel like I should really be more proactive about making money in any of the myriad ways I thought I knew how to. Two years ago it felt like I was constantly giving up odd jobs, not showing up for fun parties, passing up cool shows, refusing to work at fun nightclub parties, and turning down at least one real modeling contract so that I could do my office job. And now... I don't really feel like I have any of those opportunities. I guess I have to make some more for myself.

I'm just gonna nip this negativity blossom in the bud. It's Monday, in fact the first real Monday of this summer's Mercury Retrograde. So I don't really get myself into a downer spiral. I'm listening to Opal and spent exactly 20 minutes cleaning my room before it felt really boring and futile and I quit it. I guess I'm staying in tonight. Mostly just because if I go out drinking I'm scared I'll get either a hangover or really overweight. Who am I? Fuck.


Been thinking a little bit about my place in the sociocultural world around me. Like, thinking about how people of my generation (speaking in broad terms, as always) witnessed, essentially, the death of the Music Industry as such, the slow death of television and print media, in general. And thinking how this makes me special or something. I dunno. Thinking about doing art about shifting culture. And then, of course, it occurs to me that the real title for that art piece or art practice would be "YOU FUCKING BITTER OLD QUEEN". I guess I feel old.

Doesn't every generation, though, think that they have borne witness to the dying end of some kind of cultural era? Doesn't everyone think about the good old days? I guess, to an extent. I mean, it's true for every single person ever. But also, I think that the negative / sad thoughts imply their opposite. They must. So what's the upside of aging? Wisdom? Damn it.

I was at the gym listening to my iPod on shuffle and "Young Folks" came on and I still really like the drums in that song, and I was thinking to myself, sort of delirious with exercise and magickal snacks: 'Gawd, what I wouldn't give to be 22 again, making out with some hipster boy stranger with severe hair at Misshapes while this song plays.' Y'know, bein' all negative and melancholy. Then I thought to myself, immediately: 'Wait, I don't want that at all. I was fucking miserable in 2007, and I'm really glad I'm not that kid anymore. And besides Misshapes wasn't too much fun and those boys I was sleeping with, I guess for sport, almost uniformly sucked.' SO I guess the lesson is that a lesson was learned. Moving on.

Spent the better part of the weekend, the daytime parts, in bed. Time excellently spent. The weather is getting cooler, which I could not be more excited about. I'm doing a pretty cool reading on Thursday. I think I'm gonna read an old piece of mine, either "Come a Coven" or "Confessions of a Namer". Still deciding. Having to consciously remind myself that I'm worthwhile, yadda. I know I'm talentless but I also feel like: that's okay. It's okay to be talentless. And, to greater or lesser extents, everyone is like this. This is (hooray!) one of the infinite things that I have in common with my sisters all around the world. I dunno. Maybe I'm putting it the wrong way.

I have some ideas on how to put it the right way, but I'm saving some of my best ideas for a performance piece. But I don't really know how to begin with it. Maybe I should just jump in. Which means: booking myself a gig.

Anyways. Mercury being Retrograde, everything feels strange and uncertain. And I don't really know how to encourage anybody reading this, tonight. That's my goal by the way, in writing this blog and in everything I ever do: to try to find a way to express myself that could serve some function of encouraging someone else. Even / especially if the person reading it feels either of these two feelings: "I feel like that, too!" or, perhaps more realistically "I'm so glad I'm not as fucked up / freaked out as that Billy girl". These are reasonable. I think it's good to have goals.

SO whatever my message is if things feel weird right now then you are right in tune with the Universe, which is literally trying to make you feel weird these days. Because the Universe, and I, want to see how beautiful you are, how graceful you are, under pressure.

And it turns out that even when things are uncertain and scary,
you're still pretty foxy.
Keep it up.

No comments: