People Obliquely

Well. Saturday was my 26th birthday.

I had a really great time. My friends and I went dancing at my favorite dance party, JUDY! Erin Markey performed at the nightclub, and sang "We Are The Champions" and gave me a sweet shout-out. It was pretty perfect.

Friday night Bobo and I went out to dinner at my favorite restaurant, Kate's Joint, in the East Village, then out for iced cream. I stayed in, cause I thought I was getting a cold or something. Saturday I shot the season finale of Jeffery and Cole Casserole in McCarren park, and I went record shopping.

You guys know to be watching the CASSEROLE right? Here is a recent episode which I am very proud to be in, it's called THE BECKY II. Check it out.

Sunday I met up with Ptrck and PLD and Jenna Gross and Matanza at Ben Rimalower's house for Brunch. It was a lot of fun. So much, in fact, that it was the bulk of what I did on Sunday and I still consider it part of my Birthday Party Weekend.

A really great time. I have so many really wonderful friends and I'm so thankful for all of them. I feel really lucky.

But now Monday! I don't know. I feel really good about this weekend, but today I felt scared. Or something. Still definitely transitioning to a new job. I feel really stressed out, which I know is kind of part of the trip of starting a new job. And starting a new part-time job. Like, my income is cut in half. I am hoping (bravely, maybe stupidly) that having more free time will mean I'm more productive and that somehow I'll be able to turn this productivity into money, or some other kind of investment. In some way. It's been a week and I do not feel tremendously more productive at all, and have no new income sources, and I am really beating myself up for this.

The worst part / one of the worst parts is that I, like many people I know, have Feelings About My Feelings. So I feel really stressed out and uncertain, and then I feel freaked out that I am so freaked out. Like, I keep thinking to myself: This is what you wanted. Why aren't you happy? Why isn't it working out right now? What did you do wrong? Why can't you be happy? Is this not what you want? why did you fuck up? Which, I know, written out, sounds insane. But maybe you can relate. It's paralyzing! It's awful.

I have saved up some money, since 2008 when two very nice European men pulled me aside in McCarren park when I was walking around with my old room mate Jenny during a picnic (I think possibly we were smoking a joint?) and asked if I wanted to be a model. I remember that I was wearing this Marc Jacobs tank top I had liberated from a department store the week before, and thinking that my having stolen it made it magick and therefore made me magick (Like Winona / Don't you know her?). So anyways the guys gave me a lot of money to hang out for a weekend and have people pour me beer and light my cigarettes for me and occasionally take my photo. I used to make my money that way. THE POINT IS: it's time for me to buy a new computer. I have the money. I have the money saved. But I can't figure out whether to buy a MacBook or a MacBook pro because I plan on recording music. But also all of my current mp3 and file backup is on an external hard drive which uses FireWire 400 which neither of these new books support. I AM LOSING MY MIND over a simple problem.

This is an example of having Feelings About My Feelings. If anyone has any tips on computer purchasing, I would appreciate it.

Also if anyone knows any part-time or one-off strange, nice, lucrative gigs let me know. Never hurts to ask.

(Asking never hurts, I mean. Nothing ever hurts. Not for long. Well, not forever. And then again, if something does hurt forever, then how do you know it hurts anymore? I'd do anything to make you smile. I mean it. You think I'm kidding. You'll see.)

I am also sort of at a lull in my creative process. Kind of. I know what the next step is and it's very hard so I am kinda putting it off. I'm performing, as Max Steele and the Party Ice, next week at PUSSY FAGGOT. I am working on which songs to sing, and maybe some ideas in between the songs. I feel like maybe this is a new leaf for me, in terms of possibly bringing some concepts to the stage. Or even just performing these "songs" again feels new.

As you know, I've started a new band called B0DY H1GH with PLD. We recently got some cute press in NEXT MAGAZINE by the lovely Johnny Darling.

So now that I'm in this rock band with PLD I feel like "Max Steele and the Party Ice" can be a new thing and doesn't have to be so much of a band. It's barely a band at all. It's not, strictly speaking, musical. I don't know. I don't mean to disparage myself, especially as I am gearing up for a performance, but I am approaching it a lot more as a project. Does that sound pretentious? (Does asking if something sounds pretentious make it okay to be pretentious? Does using a word enough times evacuate it's meanings, eventually? and leave room for new meanings?). Basically, I'll be singing and talking but it will be a lot less about, say, the mechanics of song-writing. There will probably be a lot of covers. But I'm trying to wedge open some new spaces. I'm interested in using something band-shaped, to convey certain feelings. There're many conventions of performers and I'm interested in developing this character / approach I've been working on, which is: to win your heart.

Beginning work on some new stories. I'm trying this thing where when I believe in magic then that creates a space for it to happen in. There's also the unfortunate aspect that if you measure something, even in anticipation, then you change it. Is this making any sense? I'm basically saying that I'm trying not to jinx myself. But I am also saying that I am working within an aesthetic practice of jinxing myself. Sort of to prove that it's okay to be jinxed. Mortification of the personality. Ringing any bells?

I'm tired. I feel good for recording this transitory moment.

Also: I am so into the band Grass Widow. Is everyone else already over them? Am I late to the game? Cotton played me their record when I was in SF and I loved it so much. But I also never know about anything cool or hip or anything. But listening to their record makes me feel a lot calmer and more even-headed. it makes me feel capable and excited. People forget I'm a punk rocker. I count myself as people, obliquely. But gosh, I can't wait for their new record to come out, and I can't wait to see them perform.

1 comment:

gp said...

I could be wrong, but i don't think that you can be "late" to music that's good. If it turns out that you really are late to someone's music, it probably wasn't very good in the first place. And congrats on completing your 26th solar revolution!