(There's Just More) Of You To Love


As in: LIST OF THINGS I NEED TO DO. As in: goes at the top of it.

I'm kind of freaking out, kids. I dunno why. I mean: I do, totally know why.
My student loans are coming due and I'm totally losing my shit. I am going to spend the rest of my life in debt to SallieMae. That is a sad fact. HOWEVER, I and you and everyone in the world will someday die. Everything I love will be taken away from me, I will one day get old, and sick, and my life as I know it will cease. And this is gloriously true of every single person on the planet. Which is kind of a comfort: punk rock quick-fix Buddhism. Does this make it okay not to pay my student loans? No. I want to pay them.

I am committed to paying them back. My education totally transformed my life and brought me to where I am today. While I was in college, my school was the most expensive college in the country. Possibly in the world? I got a shit-ton of financial aid, but I also had to take out a ton of loans. Which is unfortunately par for the course in the place and time I was pursuing my education. What SUCKS though, is that the school was so prohibitively expensive that I maxed out my federal loans, and took out a bunch of private loans. Federal student debt, as you may know, is a sort of okay thing. There are some exciting new pieces of legislation which make paying them back a bit easier. Private Loans, however, are evil and wrong and very bad. There are no consumer protections in place for these. If I were to get hit by a truck, and unable to work, the loan company would garnish my disability payments. If I were to die, they would go after my mom. If she died, they'd go after my brother. It's fucked up. They can never be discharged, and are so toxic that loan companies don't even offer private loan consolidation anymore, since the product they were selling (consolidation of private loans) are so risky that nobody pays them back. And I have to pay mine back, somehow.

I may or may not put a "donate" link on my blog. Is that tacky? Is it okay to be tacky?
I feel like the only way I will ever pay these back is if I win the lottery. Which is seeming like an increasingly reasonable "out".

SO ANYWAY I'M TRYING TO CHILLAX ABOUT THIS. And I came across my horoscope. I check a number of horoscope sites, but a personal favorite is the weekly PSYCHIC DREAM ASTROLOGY on the SF Bay Guardian. Here's the Leo horoscope for this week:

It's on you to handle things, Leo. You can wallow in negative expectations or step up your game! Make the decisions that allow you to move towards what make you happy, not just move away from your fears.

Pretty inspiring, and apropos as well. The horoscopes are written by the inimitable SF psychic Jessica Lanyadoo, which reminds me of one of my favorite bands in the world, THE JUDY EXPERIENCE. They have a song inspired by Jessica Lanyadoo, called "THE YADOO" which is on their first record, which you should totally buy right this fucking second. The main driving force in the band (and, I think, only super duper full-time member) is my old buddy James Brooks Caperton.

Such a dreamboat! We've known each other since we were tiny queer guppies. Since we were 15 or 16, hanging outside of 924 Gilman St., hoping to find some generous older queer who would consent to buy us booze at the liquor store up the street. Usually one of the tough dyke roadies that accompanied the girl bands into town. (I really only went to Gilman on nights when girl or queer bands played, because often times those were the only crowds that wouldn't threaten me or my friends-- though in high school James joined this legendary crust punk band, the Blottos, and I remember going to see them to support him a couple times, thinking for sure that he had really "made it" and I guess he did).

Anyway they have a new record coming out (hopefully soon!) and my original homegirl Cotton is doing the art for it, much like he did the first album. And so I have gone from freaking out to reminiscing about SF witchy groovy music. I feel happy about this transition, like summer into fall.

And I invite all of you reading this to have similar transitions, out of anxiety, into pleasure and freedom. I know that sounds hokey, and it's true-- it is hokey. But I also think it's okay to be hokey or corny or whatever.

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