Trying this new thing of getting up a little bit earlier. I figure since I get so sleepy I may as well skew my day so that I get some extra sunshine. On the order of, like, 15-20 minutes extra. Was so excited by it that I woke with a start at 6am, tossing my extra pillows around the room. I was having a dream that there was a group of beautiful and sinister black and yellow butterflies zipping around my room.
In dreams, butterflies symbolize creativity, change, transformation and romance. All of which are applicable to my life. I think. I dunno. They seemed sort of scary, evil. In the dream I was trying to herd them out my bedroom window but they just would not go.
Then, in the dream, I saw a green spider. And I realized that that's what I was scared of: the green spider. Why was it green? In the dream, my mom was suddenly there, and I asked her to kill the spider for me. She fearlessly walked right up to the spider and flicked it with her finger, whereupon it bounced from the ceiling to the floor to the wall and back again, like a rubber ball. Then I realized that as it was bouncing around, it was also weaving a web. That was how it regained its balance. It was a little scary.
Obviously: spiders equal moms in dreams. Some kind of dominant female force. And a spider weaving a web in dreams means something about seeing dreams come to fruition. Also the weird thing is that I personally am known as the Spider Killer. When my room mate sees a bug and is scared, I am the one who will come smash it. As a kid I was deathly allergic to spiders, having to go to the emergency room on a few occasions when a spider bite made me so swollen the skin on my fingers would burst open, or my eyes would swell shut for days at a time. The allergy has since gotten better, I guess. It was unclear if there was a relationship between the butterflies and the spider, and my mom didn't figure into the rest of the dream at all.
So thinking about all of these things, what my dreams may be, what transformations would need to be happening. Also I noticed a spider web in our bathroom last night, but it was too high up and I was too lazy to clean it. I sort of figured that it would be okay if there was a spider living in the bathroom b/c maybe then she would eat the fly in our house. There was a big mean fly in my bedroom last night. I chased it around.
SO EITHER my dreams are about my subconscious struggles for control and self-identification, OR: even in my dreams I am crudely aware of the fact that I need to clean my room. Go figure. Walking home form the gym last night, it was perfectly cold. Chilly, frosty but not painful. I felt really good. I've sort of resigned myself to the fact that for the next couple of months, there won't be as much sunlight. The world will instead be the sick orange municipal glow of streetlights. And my eyesight is so bad. It's kind of psychedelic. I've made my peace with this. Such a nice night. I came home and listened to lots of Cocteau Twins.
Went grocery shopping too, and got some of my favorite baby foods: coffee yogurt and pear juice. My mom tells me that she ate these while she was pregnant with me, had cravings for these foods.
I have loved them my whole life. Utterly random choices, but I felt a really strong craving for them at the store. Maybe I'm thinking about my parents a lot? I love my folks. I'm excited cuz I just bought my plane ticket home for xmas. If you're reading this and you're in the SF I'd like to see you. Especially if you are named Grey or Cotton or Jess or Zona. Right? Right. Feeling like I really need to nurture myself or something.
Ended up, after my weird dream-awakening, only getting up like tenty minutes earlier than I usually do. But that is more than enough time to make coffee. I treated myself to the fancy organic kind this weekend, because I was so tired of Key Foods coffee. I get this kind called "BLEND X - WITCHES BREW" which Ptrck told me about. You can barely see it but there're little moons and stars on the package.
Witch Coffee-- cute, right? it's really good. Extra dark blend, and good for mornings.
I dunno. I feel sort of blue, on and off, lately. It's really hard b/c sometimes it's like: oh you're in a bad mood so no wonder you can find things to obsess and fret over in the world. But then on the other hand it's also like: well, there are so many things to obsess and fret over in the world, of course I'm in a bad mood! This is the logical conclusion! The feeling is rational! Who knows. Maybe this is why people pay other people to listen to them talk about it. Maybe this is why people to see others believe in themselves. Whatever. I just need to constantly check my assumptions about the world. Venus is still retrograde. I feel really good today though. Breakfast of coffee on Coffee. Getting dressed for work. Relaxed and humming with the power of caffeine. Red Magick. Cologne, corduroy.
GAWD I miss Victoria Gentry's VAIN line of hair care products so much. Is this bourgi / tacky and gross of me? Ok. She still has the salon in Seattle. But in the late 90s, VAIN made their own line of hair care products, like Big Hair Hold, a really incredible hairspray, and a super intense eucalyptus and minty deep conditioner called Intervention. And they also made One of my favorite Things Ever: Dirty Boy Dirty Girl. It was a small tub of bright electric purple so-called "hair goo for the rumpled masses". It smelled kind of like coconut, and there was a toy pig in the bottom of every container. It was like a cross between hair gel and pomade, dirty but clean? It's hard to describe. Maybe I'm nostalgic for the 90s. Maybe I'm nostalgic for being a teenager. Maybe I'm nostalgic for living a life that includes that much hair maintenance. When I was in high school I could do, like, deep conditioning treatments. I didn't know that you didn't need to wash your hair every single day. Priorities change. Anyways they stopped making this stuff years ago. I wish I had some. Kind of.