Fantasy Castle

Mercury is direct today.

But that doesn't really make me feel much better. I dunno. I am deeply disappointed, now, three days later, by the fact that my flight was canceled. There is new room mate shifting, my lovely BF ALSO lost his flight, I kind of let work stuff get out of hand, and it's stressing me out. I just feel really down, or something. Been thinking a lot about San Francisco.

Yesterday I met up with my friend Grey for lunch, then hung out with my old homies Cotton and JiceCake. Talked a bit about how life would be if I lived in San Francisco. I don't know if I could do it, really. There're so many alternate realities. I feel really conflicted lately.

Been reading Beth Lisick's genius book Everybody Into The Pool while I've been home. It's hilarious and brilliant. I've been a fan of Lisick's for a long time, I saw her perform at the first Ladyfest in Olympia ten years ago. And more recently at Dixon Place with our good friend Erin Markey. The book is sort of about growing up and finding your place in the world. Ideas of boundary cultures. Really reassuring.

Alternately also reading Mary Daly's Beyond God The Father. I just started it and it's blowing my mind. She talks a lot about the power of language, and the imperative to free language from its historically patriarchal context.

I think I'm just really looking for things to turn me on and inspire me. I feel just sick with worry today. Travel, generally, fills me with a weird anxiety/dread. Not the actual mechanics of flying. That, I don't mind at all. What bugs me is the stress of, like "will I or won't I make the flight / get a cab / be delayed?" And, really, you can never have certainty anytime. So it's a good reason to practice finding comfort in the uncertain. But it's really hard.

I feel pretty lousy right now and I dunno what to do about it. Trying to get myself psyched up for the New Year, and New Year's Eve. But I'm bummed that I can't be with my bf for it, and I'm stressed about work stuff. I have some exciting events coming up too, but right now it feels really scary to have things to work on. I'm sick from hibernating or something.

Sitting in a cafe in Alameda, answering some work stuff and trying to catch up correspondence / keep my life in order. I wanna really keep a record of this feeling: feeling really bad. I dunno. I am positive that I will look back on this exact day and moment and laugh.

In fact, the coffeehouse just put on that Blues Traveler song, and the harmonica line at the beginning always makes me crack a smile. Also innaresting in terms of someone performing as someone else.

So much of feeling bad / on a bummer / anxious is really about creating your own reality. I know, I know. I've been in California for too long, and I don't wanna sound totally woo-woo, unless woo-woo is yr thing or whatever. But seriously, when we let our feelings rule us, it makes things seem, feel and then in face be very different. So. Trying not to make myself a bummer house cuz I do not want to live in a bummer house.

I want to live in a Fantasy Castle.

2010 has been such a crazy year. Right? I am really struggling to invest myself as wisely as possible. Like, not worrying so much about dumb shit. Working on a new short piece, I guess. You know: focus.

Going to read it on January 9th in NYC at a really exciting new event I can't wait to tell you about.

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