Memory and the Multiverse

- Guilt
- Shame
- Regret
- Grudges
- History

- Ecstasy
- Ease
- Understanding
- Curiosity
- Memory
- Magick

How to measure a winner, right? To put it in a better way: There are two of us running on a track. Maybe there're more of us, a whole team or something, but when it comes down to it, one of us is going to win and one of us is not going to win. And we're so evenly matched! It's gonna be so close. The winner and the loser and coming to the finish like and what will tell, what determines the winner is who breaks the tape at the finish line. A split second. I'm trying to use the example of a current sticky situation as an example to make the winner the runner-up.

Like, my first response is: FUCK THIS SHIT. And to feel really indignant and ashamed and scared and freaked out. But then that doesn't actually affect change. I don't know that anything can, really. (Let's not get into it and say we did). My second response is: OK. BE COOL. EVERYTHING IS EVERYTHING. And I like this feeling a lot more, so let's just go with that. Really hard to turn it around like that.

Thinking a great deal about my childhood best friend in Los Angeles. His mom was a lesbo, but married to his dad, who was I guess just really cool. We mostly just played video games together, but he lived on this weird piece of property in the hills and his backyard was sprawling and included so much weird wild land, as well as a cave. It always smelled like pee and was always empty. We'd play in it as pre-teens. Totally harmless, pretending to sword fight with palm tree fronds or something. Play imagination games. It occurs to me now how nasty that cave must have been. But then I judge that revision of my memory, like, why do I have to imagine hobos peeing and having sex? Mapping different experiences (my own real experiences, imagined experience of hypothetical other people) onto a place / time / idea.

There's that cliché expression, "There's no telling". That's bullshit. There is, in fact, plenty of telling. There's always telling.

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