and I am proof and so are you

Current Music: Helium- No Guitars
Current Mood:

I mean, not too worried.
I dunno. Just in general. Had a pretty fantastic week, though.

Hung out on Tuesday with the lovely and talented Colin Self. She moved here last September, and has been tearing NYC up! I know of Ms. Self through our mutual guru PASH(ly). And if you can believe it, I had never seen Colin do a show before last weekend! It was, I mean, AMAZING. It made me really excited to know him and be in NYC. You can check out some of his music on his MYSPACE. We have been speaking about doing a show/performance/happening/event together, and I am so excited about it. I think it could be really cool.

Went to this cool new film night, DIRTY LOOKS, on Wednesday night. It is a new night thrown by the adorable Bradford Nordeen. The first night was a collection of some of the work of Curtis Harrington, including an episode of Dynasty which he directed. I was unfamiliar with both Harrington and Dynasty but I really liked what I saw! I'm kind of illiterate when it comes to film. There're a lot of really deep and psychological and fascinating reasons why that is. But the nice thing is that I still have the world of cinema to explore. Like, I basically have seen no great film ever, and sometimes I get excited about seeing all the Great Films. Something to look forward to, eh?

Anyway Dirty Looks was really cute, and I can't wait to see what the next one is.

On Thursday I got these PANTS which I had been obsessing over in my dreams for a long time. Last winter, almost exactly a year ago, I was going through some nasty shit. My tooth was in the midst of being implanted, possibly, I was sort of having a deep existential crisis about my job and my life. And I was having a lot of really difficult emotional drama in my mind. So one night after work I ate some of the pain meds that I got for my tooth surgery and headed uptown to Barney's. It's always kind of an exercise in fantasy, me going to Barney's or uptown or basically anywhere nice. I know I can't have anything in there, and therefore that since I cannot have it that I do not deserve it. And depending on my mood, I can extrapolate that feeling pretty far outwards. Or not. Anyway I remember there were two things that I really fell in love with. This pair of floral printed Marc by Marc jeans, and this pair of diagonal red corduroy Margiela pants. Last summer I found the flower pants on sale, and I thought it was a gift from Goddess. And then last week I found the Margiela pants on sale!

That's my butt!

I mean: I only paid $70 for them. It was such a steal (Steele). I am not talking about buying designer clothes because I want to give the impression of, you know, having a lot of money or placing actual value on material things. I am talking about them because these are two example of fantasizing about something and then getting the thing you really want, deep down. The thing which you sometimes think you might not deserve, because you don't have it. Maybe that thing is a pair of Margiela jeans, or a cool leather jacket to go along with them when the weather gets warmer. Maybe that thing which you don't think you deserve because you don't have it is: a lover. Maybe it is: feeling good about yourself. Maybe it is: being carefree. I'm just talking about how a) The Secret Is Real, Sort Of, and b) You can have whatever you want and I am proof and so are you

And anyhow it's too cold and slushy to actually wear these pants out of the house. Isn't that so fucked up?

Friday night I went with Ptrck to Perfect Little Daniel's house to pre-game before going to Joe's Pub to see Cole Escola's one-woman show. We drank Four Loko, and I don't even know why. It was my stupid idea, and I'm sorry. God. Anyway, Cole's show was FANTASTIC!

He has such a good voice! It was a really fantastic night, and very inspiring to see Cole really go for it. It was directed, of course, by the legendary Ben Rimalower. And they love each other and those songs so much, and that was really apparent in the show. I could tell that they had really worked super hard on it, and it really paid off. The show was a smash hit success and probably the highlight of my weekend. After the show, the boys and my lovely BF went backstage to receive Cole and Ben. While waiting in the wings at Joe's Pub, Mx Justin Vivian Bond came in, looking for v's purse, which v had left backstage. I JUST WANT TO NOTE SOME THINGS HERE: Justin Vivian had this really chic little purse and was wearing the most beautiful pink lipstick. I mentioned it to V and v said that it was Chanel. "It's not exactly in season," V said, "but it cheers people up!"

I think it is always 'in-season' to cheer people up. I complimented Justin Vivian's nails, and v told me the shade was Over The Taupe.

Nice combo, huh? Justin Vivian, I saw when I got home, contributed a really nice piece to the new issue of USELESS (which also features yours truly). You can buy the magazine in digital format HERE. After the show, we all went out in the West Village, but I headed home after not too long. That was really the highlight of the weekend, OTHER than a semi-secret planning meeting with Earl Dax about Pussy Faggot future plans, at Penny Arcade's Magickal Abode, which I can't even GET INTO right now.

I'm listening to the Softies It's Love. I have been listening to it for more than ten years. I still feel the exact same way about it as I did more than ten years ago. I dunno. I feel a weird way about it. I wonder if kids still listen to this record. Probably not. Is that the anxiety of aging? That kids in the future won't do things the same way you did, or do the same things? And that them doing different things makes you feel weird about your own life? is that what it is? There might be more than one thing about aging. I might not even have any idea about aging. I probably won't, for a little while. So much of this record is about communicating in these really weird, old ways. Subtext, writing letters (like actual postal handwritten letters).

Feeling pretty to very anxious and worried. For concrete and not concrete reasons. I guess there's probably not any good reason to stress myself out. Like, I don't know if I can think of any situations in which freaking out and being so anxious and worried will fix the situation. It rarely helps.

Wow. I guess I really have learned something during the last year. I feel like in the last year, 2010, I spent a lot of time agonizing. I guess I am learning how to not do that so much. I am always trying to sort of sloganize and summarize my feelings/situation. And that is really hard and not, actually, probably possible. I just wanna know the pattern so I can know what's up! Geez. So anyway I am trying this thing of accepting things as they are. To a greater or lesser extent. Working. Throwing myself into some new work. Going to put out WhiteChocolateSpaceEgg in a few months. So I'm tying up the loose ends (aherm) and editing. Starting to, anyway. Also thinking a lot about new performance strategies and material. And I am very excited to say that I will debut some (probably) very raw and new performance material, possibly about anxiety and possibly not, at this event on February 13th, with Rumi Missabu from the Cockettes, along with a million other AMAZING PEOPLE.

NOTE: I am only performing on 2/13 at the DUMBO arts center and it is FREE.

And I am scared and excited and need to finish it.

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