I mean: remember how we boycotted Modest Mouse because of the sexual assault allegations? Remember how the Murder City Devils canceled their tour with them because of it? Remember the Murder City Devils? Remember remembering?
Feeling a little bit weird, if I let myself. Sometimes I feel really jealous and competitive and insecure. And I have no doubt that the things which trigger these feelings are not the real source of them. I am aware that I am probably still working out some issues from adolescence or whatever. But at the same time, I'm really ready to be done dealing with this shit! Essentially, I feel like I can never have anything to myself. Like, if I come up with an idea and share it, I can't own it because soon someone else starts doing the same idea. Or I don't feel like sharing. Or I feel like resented for having the idea. It's ridiculous. I think that part of what helps when I feel insecure or feel competitive or jealous or whatever is recognizing that it's just a feeling, and it doesn't necessarily need to have an explanation. I mean: being able to explain it doesn't make it not there. So, you know. Notice. Understand. (Try to).
Had a super duper weird experience over the weekend which I would like to share with you now. Please see if you can follow this. Someone I went on exactly three dates with early last year, we'll call him Cody, sent me a message online. We had not been in touch since very early 2010, because he stopped calling me and I stopped calling him. I was slightly miffed about it, but had bigger fish to fry. Anyway. His message was something to the effect of "Can you please call me? I know we've been out of touch but there is something very important I would like to speak with you about." I was (understandably, I think) mortified of what this could mean, so I called him. (SIDENOTE: we all know what I'm thinking about here, and just FYI I am healthy as a horse/pegasus/unicorn, but I just worried about poor Cody). So I called Cody, and he was totally fine too. Or, not completely fine. He wanted to process with me, about having recently stopped seeing this other guy I know, let's call him Jeremy. And Jeremy broke his heart. I had stopped being friends with Jeremy some time before he dated Cody, for various reasons, whatever. So Cody really wanted to get into it with me. And it was so awkward! I'm not going to talk shit on people I don't know anymore, especially not to each other. You know? So I was trying to be really sweet and really nice and understanding, trying to soothe Cody's ego about how when you get dumped it's just a fact of life, etc. and how maybe Jeremy isn't such a bad guy, but is dealing with his own issues.
And then it dawned on me that, you know: neither of these people are my friends. Why am I putting on the good ol' "Listener Pal Billy Full-On Validation Mode" for this guy? This is not my problem. I tried as politely as I could to get off of the phone and I made myself lunch and I felt a lot better.
I think it was good, though, to extend sympathy to someone I have no conscious sympathy for. And about someone who I in fact have a fair bit of rancor for. It was a good exercise in practicing loving-kindness. But it also made me really aware of the fact that I was being so, so nice and understanding and validating to people I did not care so much about, and it reminded me to extend that much more courtesy to the people in my life who I actually do care about, love, want to be friends with, etc. On one hand, I really pride myself on being a good listener and trying to understand when my friends are upset or whatever. But on the other hand, I sometimes feel really resentful of that process, like I'm just called on to validate other people's feelings, and it's a totally one-sided street. So being aware of how I was spending my energy was interesting to me.
Wouldn't it be great if everyone could just be as kind as possible to everyone they knew? Even the people that dumped you three years ago (not that you were really going out but you know what I mean)? Wouldn't it be so rad if, instead of resenting the people you see around town because you secretly fantasize about how their lives must be hollow, you just actually told them that you wish you could be their friend? That totally works. I can tell you. It really actually does. You wanna know how I know?
Because about four years ago La JohnJoseph sent me an e-mail, after having met him once, saying "Let's be friends." and something about holding hands and sharing juice boxes. I wish I could find the exact e-mail, I've been looking for it all morning. Damn. And it totally worked! I fell in love with him.
GOOD NEWS: I'm going back to Berlin this summer to visit JJ! So excited. Details to come but I just booked my trip and I am very happy. Summer cannot come quickly enough.
I had an excellent and romantic evening last night. My sexy boyfriend came over for a slumber party and this morning I got a taro bun for breakfast. And I have had so much coffee. Tonight I'm gonna go see the new Comme des Garçons collections, and go to Printed Matter to get the new issue of USELESS MAGAZINE #10. It is a collection of artists and writers and thinkers responding to the idea of starting from zero, and addressing the last decade. It features such luminaries as Joseph Witt, My Barbarian, Rachel Silveri, K8 Hardy, Terence Koh, Cory Arcangel, Javier Peres, Momus, Steve Lafreniere, Spencer Product, Ari Marcopoulos, Justin Bond, Bruce LaBruce, Max Steele, David EvrittHowe, Adam Baran and many more... And Sega Genesis Porridge is on the cover. Sweet! Then I am gonna go to the gym. And go home and record a rap for the DANDYLIONESS e.p. by my new favorite German ex-pat popstar ALEXANDER.
Then I'm gonna make dinner and go to bed.