No Remote

Anything about a Sunday always makes me think about this video:

I didn't have MTV in 1998 when this record came out, so I didn't see the music video until much later. MTV, for me, in the late 1990s, signified having cable. It signified a certain kind of middle-class comfort which my family never really had. I mean, we did, eventually get cable. But we rented a house for much of my childhood. I felt left out. So I couldn't watch cable, I didn't know what bands were cool. But I did somehow get a subscription to CMJ for my birthday and I got really into A Thousand Leaves and it might be my favorite Sonic Youth album? My little brother, once, for another birthday, got me a huge poster of the album art. Like six feet by four feet. I wonder where it is now. I love this song.

The last two Sundays have been like this. Lazy, weird, happy, nice. Last Sunday I woke up and went to Academy records, and got the Boss Hog Girl + 10" e.p. I have wanted this record for so long, it almost doesn't even matter that I only like half of the songs. Like, here is the cover art:

I remember seeing a CD copy of this in my local record store in Alameda for something like $30. Something totally impossible for me to even consider paying, when I was 15. This image of Cristina Martinez on the cover of this album is such a huge touchstone for my life. This is, for me, an image of a secret girl world. Secret rock records, on secret sleazy record labels, about desperation, desire. Boss Hog has always been a sexy band. They were a superstar side project. Their songs are sort of vague, sort of weird. About getting in trouble. About enticing. I am over-thinking it. I love this record so much and I am so glad that I finally got it. I felt emboldened by running across it at the record store so last Sunday I went out and got a bunch of my other favorite things:

I was inspired by seeing Mx Justin Vivian Bond's nails the other weekend, so I went to the Chanel store and got myself this pretty polish. I am wearing it at work right now. I like it. SPEAKING of MX J.V.B., check out the TRIBUTE TUMBLR. If you would like to be a contributor, please get in contact.

Also like the new smell. Lotus blossom. I'm trying so hard to make it into Springtime.

This weekend was just okay. I have been dealing with some very difficult feelings of (let me list them, like the things I bought last weekend, like accessories, these difficult feelings):
- inadequacy
- uncertainty
- resentment
- fear
- disappointment

These suck! I wish they would end, already. It's like watching TV and you can't find the remote and it's football on TV and you just sort of have to wait until the game is over, or you have to turn off the TV. And maybe read a book. Or something. But in any case you can't time travel and even if you could you wouldn't like it. I am talking mostly (as Lydia Lunch often says) to myself. Y'know. Just time-tracking. Like: you can't turn off the TV. You can't protect yourself from getting hurt.

What a trip, right? You can't, though, protect yourself from getting hurt. I think that a lot of my friends and also myself; we forget this. Like, you maybe think that you can avoid pain by being careful and saying no to opportunities. But that is not true. You will still get hurt in your life so you may as well jump on the opportunity to feel good, to connect with someone, to make yourself vulnerable, to trust someone/something/yourself.

I don't know. I feel like I am tired of ppl making fun of me, and then also making fun of the fact that they think I am too dumb/self-centered to notice. DIVERSION! Anyways I do notice I just don't care. I'm having too much fun FEELING MY FEELINGS.

I performed last night with the legendary RUMI from the COCKETTES in Dumbo. I did some new texts from what is gonna be a new show, Encourager. I think everybody was really freaked out by it, but the only reason I did it was so that I could say the following onstage:

It’s not that I think of myself as the center of the Universe. That’s not the problem. I don’t think that. It’s just that I just so happen to be at the center of the Universe. It’s not that I believe that it’s just the fact. That’s not a problem. And if you, potentially, feel like that is a problem, then maybe it is because you feel that you are at the center of the Universe. And then, you and I have some kind of relationship, your having a problem or your disagreement with me implies a relationship. A potential commonality. And another thing we have in common is that we both think that we are at the center of the Universe. We can’t both be wrong so that means that we must, in fact, be close to the center of the Universe. What if we’re both right?

There are some people who feel that they are definitely not at the center of the Universe. They feel that they would like to be very far away from the center of the Universe. Well, then you and I, here in the center, have some very bad news for them. The sad fact of the matter is that of course we are all the center of the Universe. Together.
So that's kind of where I am coming from.

1 comment:

Yeast Confections said...

i love love love love love this post.