Gilbert and his Grapes Of Many Colors

Gawd, this Queen Latifah video!

I really identify with this. I dunno. I think I saw this video on VH1 in like 1998 and it's been stuck in my preconscious mind ever since. Like, when I saw it as a kid I knew I would some day want to draw upon that memory. And I guess that time is now.

Saw so many really fantastic shows this week. On Monday I saw Mx. Justin Vivian Bond and Sandra Bernhard's new musical ARTS & CRAFTS. It featured Little Miss Cole Escola as well. Everybody in it was fantastic. I had never actually seen Sandra Bernhard perform before. But I used to work right near Whole Foods and I would often see her walking her beautiful little daughter and just being radiant and nice-looking, and she definitely brought that to the stage, along with her formidable voice.

I went to see MEN at Bowery Ballroom. They were great! Tami Hart joined the band, and looked super cute with her new long long hair. I got kind of tipsy at the show (thanks, Tommy!). I like their politics a lot. Thursday I went to see Jack Ferver's brilliant SWAN!!! at PS122. I thought it was really funny, intelligent, beautiful. And for some reason also really tragic, in a way that the actual film Black Swan was not, at least not for me. I think this could just be my own hormonal state lately. I feel like every story involving an uptight virginal white girl, wholly unsympathetic and mostly deserving of the pain her neurosis causes her, is on some level also about me. Maybe this is the magick of well-orchestrated theater. Maybe this is a sign that I need to be getting more sleep.

But for real, I'm still on such a bummer trip these days. I don't know what it is. Could be a chick or the egg situation. Am I sad because I can't deal with anything, or is the fact that I can't deal with anything what is making me sad? Totally self-fulfilling, and probably not interesting to anybody else. When I am in a bad mood, I make everything into some dark twisted fantasy. I do not like having to deal with cognitive dissonance, the holding together of two conflicting truths.

The prime example is: My cat loves me and when I am sick the cat stays in bed with me and licks me. That is one truth. A simultaneous truth is: My cat is laying in bed with me when I am sick because it is warm, and if my cat were bigger than I was, it would want to eat me and it would kill me. That is another truth. These are facts. So, the challenge here is knowing both things simultaneously and not freaking out every time you pet your cat. Not rocket-science, but when I am in a bad mood, I feel like I can't do the simple mental arithmetic of knowing both things and not freaking out all the time.

I dunno. I am going through a rough time lately because I feel like everybody is making fun of me. And I know that's paranoid and creepy and crazy, and I'm not exactly happy about that, either. Probably the term "everybody" is my emotional mind speaking and not my rational mind. (Emotional minds like words like "everybody", "always", "never", and "nobody"). Probably it's that I am making fun of me. Or causing people to make fun of me? Maybe I care too much what other people think. Sorry. I don't, really. But it's hard to feel like you can't respond to people honestly, or like people are being duplicitous. It makes me feel really stressed out. I do take some solace in the fact that I know, objectively, that we all get down sometimes. I know I do. I think it's okay to talk about it? Just sort of doing that wholly unsympathetic thing of, like, going through my toolkit of things to make myself feel better. Things like:
- talk about it.
- don't talk about it.
- give it a minute.
- don't do anything.

They all work! None of them work. I don't know when I turned into such a big fucking baby. I feel like I can chart various points in my development when I was alternately very scared and very brave and right now I am trying to turn myself into VERY BRAVE again.

What are some things that you do to make yourself feel brave? Admit that you are scared. That's a big one. I think that's the thing about courage. It's not that courageous people are not scared. It's that courageous people are very, very scared. But they just don't let that stop them. So I guess another day another feeling. Or SOMETHING. Let's talk about it.

One thing I am definitely very excited about and encouraged by is this fantastic new music video by my soul sister and idol, ALEXANDER:

So here's to feeling better, Gilbert Grape.

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