4/4/11

Been feeling this really intense need to connect, and consciously. Like, I want you to know that I want to connect with you. If it were possible I would want to open up our bodies to physically connect our organs. I want our interaction to be dangerous, visceral. So I have been trying this new thing, sometimes. In the computer program of my personality (soon in the future there won’t even be computers you know) I am inserting a new application, at increasing intervals. Here is the new application: instead of telling you how much I like what you say, or instead of illustrating a commonality with you by drawing on my own experience/existence to prove our proximity to one another, I just shut up. Or maybe ask a guiding one-word question, like “Really?” or “When did this happen?”

This sounds disingenuous. And it is. Or, it was. Pretty much anybody being nice to anybody else, ever, is and always has been. So there’s a precedence for this kind of experiment. The experiment here is seeing if me shutting up 10%, 20%, 50% more of the time will shut down the connection. There’s this idea I had (somehow—Santa?) that if I don’t respond or somehow attest to my existence, then I don’t exist. Unless I respond to what you are saying, unless I give you immediate direct feedback, this connection/transaction isn’t happening. So I’ve been incrementally testing out the theory that I don’t have to, that no one has to, that the pressure and anxiety of wrestling with how to interrupt someone to say “Me too!” is a painful anxiety which we as a culture can shed.

Maybe I am talking about how certain human beings including myself and almost everyone I know are developing our psychic powers. Maybe I’m talking about how I’m just now realizing it.

I just mean that I’ve been trying to listen more instead of talk more. And I’ve been really excited by the fact that everything is exactly the same, only now there is even more of it than I thought.

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