Even Like Picasso

I used to be totally obsessed with reading my horoscope every single day. Usually I would read a number of different horoscopes to try to pick up a theme or something. I usually check (in no particular order): AstroDientist, Jonathan Cainer, Jessica Lanyadoo, AstroBarry, Susan Miller and Rob Breszny. Some kind of composite, or something. But I've been kind of not really paying attention to my destiny the last couple of weeks. I think this is because of Mercury Retrograde. I feel like, anything that I am meant to know, I will know. I don't need to go projecting my own subconscious agenda on the stars, people I see on the train, etc.

Feeling bummed out all week! I don't really know why. It's felt really important to me to chill out at home, and not really have a ton of human contact. I know that sounds creepy. Sometimes it really cheers me up to connect with other people. And other times, like this week for example, I really need to just honor the impulse to veg out. I can't. I can't be nice. I can't be productive. I can't be a good listener. I can't be funny. I can't do it! It's a place called/Won't be there. At least for the last couple of days. I think I'm feeling better, just in time for the weekend.

I am singing on Saturday (REMINDER). Which usually puts me in a good mood. Actually, it stresses me out, then I do it and I am in a good mood, and then maybe afterward I get bummed out again. The French have a word for this ('Remorse'). The French think they have everything but really everybody has it too. I like this attitude that Greek people have (just to generalize for a second) about how everything good is originally stolen from them. They're right about it, too.

Last night I watched Mars Attacks! and there're such great faces in that movie. I sort of really adore Tim Burton. But I have this nagging suspicion that maybe I shouldn't. Is he an asshole? Maybe I'm letting my bad mood affect me. Maybe he's totally fine.

I think sometimes I want there to be something sinister or untoward in anything I like or admire, because then I feel like I have to consciously decide to admire or like something.

I want to destroy reflexivity, I think. I want to replace the habitual. I want constant interrogation. Not even. I want what happens on both sides of the TV screen to be the same. I guess what I really want is to neutralize, dissolve the gaze. And the way I want to do this is by making everything equal. Equally special. Nothing can be reflexive. Everything is always new, and perfect, and a surprise.

Having no desire to be a baby again, and yet, of course, I want to see everything as new. Wouldn't it be great to be able to hold onto this sense of wonder and excitement? I think the way to maintain that is to replace the habitual, the unconscious, the reflexive with: the conscious, the open-hearted, the listening parts of ourselves. I know I sound totally woo-woo, but I mean it.

I don't know why, but I am totally fixated on the bed sheets we used to have when I was a kid. It was a print of this Picasso drawing. A line drawing of a hand holding a bouquet of flowers. I don't even like Picasso.

I mean, really.

1 comment:

Ms. Fitz said...

I watched Mars Attacks this week too! MAN IT IS GOOD. Then I got high and spent three hours stalking the foley sound artist from that film because he's obviously a genius. ACK! ACK ACK ACK!!