at least, not right now.

O Mercury

I've had just about enough bad news, guys. Mercury is Retrograde and pretty much all of the moving parts I thought I had moving have... stopped. Or moved backward. Nice! I ordered a iphone as a birthday present, but it's not coming. Many plans falling through. Things breaking. Me losing my mind. Pissing everybody off. I feel like I am dealing with a lot of rejection. I think maybe I am dealing with a lot of abjection. Nitsuh Abebe's brilliant piece on Amy Winehouse refers to "masochism posing as bravery" along with "real bravery", both to be found in Amy's work. Well, okay: how can you tell the difference? I mean, what's being brave and what's being bull-headed?

Like when is something actual courage and when is it you being a glutton for punishment? This is an unfair distinction. Maybe accusing someone of "masochism posing as bravery" is fucked up. It seems insensitive. I'm in a bad mood. Yesterday's mood was much worse, though.

It's this chicken or the egg thing of feeling bad. Like, when I am in a serious funk, I feel like nobody wants to be around me, and it freaks everyone out. But is that a cause or a symptom? Maybe I learned to judge my feelings this way when I was a kid, because I got picked on a lot in school and on the street for being a flamer.

But then I think: maybe I only got so much shit when I was a kid, because the bullies at school (most of whom were closeted or otherwise unhappy) could detect my insecurity. Maybe they picked on me because they could tell I was weak. Maybe they picked on me because I deserved it. It's a bit backwards, I guess. Probably the reason I feel like I deserved it is because I got so much of it, back then. Like, if you just go on how people treat you as a way to determine your worth (which I think we all do to an extent) then you feel really shitty.

Okay. My mood is looking up, a little bit. I'm celebrating my birthday by doing a very special show at JUDY, my favorite dance party in NYC. I was thinking about throwing a birthday party, but decided not to because I was afraid that no one would want to come, because nobody wants to be my friend. But then I got asked to do this JUDY show, which feels like a gift from the Universe on my birthday. So I am going to try to stay feeling good about that. Next post for details!


Alex said...

Totally, 100% exactly what I am dealing with right now. I'm told it gets better.

craig-hunter said...

I get this.