1/11/12

Everything seems disingenuous and irrelevant; I feel selfish and stupid, and helpless. Someone I love very much is in the hospital after an accident at their home, and there is not anything I can do right now. We're trying to organize and coordinate support and be as helpful as possible.



I tried to go to the gym to take my mind off of things but I had to stop because I couldn't listen to any music. There are no songs that are not about it. There are no songs that are not trite and are not phoney. I guess they were real for the singers but no one can sing the right thing for right this second. And right this second is the only thing I can think about. I feel like I've checked out. I'm just waiting on news of my friend's recovery. I don't know what to do.



I also couldn't stay at the gym because I realized while I was running that I could not catch my breath, couldn't focus on putting one foot in front of the other on the treadmill. I felt like I was becoming hysterical, and might just start crying. Which won't help.



I don't know what to do and I am worried that I am still fucking it up and doing it wrong and making it about me. I don't know the right way to feel. I know that worrying won't solve anything. That being scared and sad and worrying don't fix anything but I can't help it. I've come to the conclusion that it is okay to worry, it's okay to be sad and it's okay to be scared but you have to still be other things too, you have to still get through your day and get out of bed. And I feel like an asshole for doing any of that, for doing anything that's not directly related to going back in time and preventing the unthinkable. And even feeling like an asshole feels like a waste of energy. My heart hurts. I am so sad.

I'm spending all of my energy towards trying to help my friend and I can't think about anything else and even if I could I don't want to.

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