3/14/12

I don't even own a TV anymore

I adore Ellen but, in a way, I think she actually probably should not be the JC Penney spokeslady. Not because she's gay, which she is, and is one of the things I and so many other people love about her (see below). The reason Ellen is a bad spokeslady for JC Penney is because she doesn't shop there and probably never would. What kind of clothes does Ellen Degeneres like to wear?




Nice.

Or hey, do you remember when she was on the cover of W Magazine? You don't? Sure you do, it was right before the Recession, in March of 2007.


BOOM!

(SIDENOTE: Around the time this issue came out, my apartment was known as the Soft Butch House. And for a long time, we had this image of Ellen's face on our refrigerator, as a sort of sigil/mascot/emblem of that fully-realized Soft Butch glamour and power could look like).

Here's an excerpt from the interview:
W Magazine: Do you enjoy fashion?
Ellen: I usually wear Jil Sander, or I wear Marc Jacobs, or I wear Viktor & Rolf…. I love Raf Simons, but I didn't know he was even doing the [Jil Sander] collection. I like Neil Barrett. I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they're usually somebody's. You know, I'm not wearing Kmart.

W: Do you think that's the perception?
Ellen: Whenever Portia and I are on the red carpet, they're yelling out for her to tell them what she's wearing. But nobody cares [about what I'm wearing] because I have a suit on, even if it's a Gucci suit. That to me is frustrating, because I put effort into getting ready too. But I guess it's not as important, and I'm not as dressed up somehow. I also feel myself more of a person than a gender. When people show me clothing that seems very, very feminine, it's hard for me to embrace that, because it just doesn't feel like me…. It was fun [for the shoot] having somebody do that to my hair, and do that makeup. But would I want to do that every single day? No.
I know that this was all five years ago, kids, but come on. I think that also, unfortunately, Ellen should not be the JC Penney spokeslady because the commercials suck. Have you seen any of them?









Okay, you guys: these are commercials for a clothing store. These commercials don't actually describe or show any of the things that JC Penney sells. They don't even really give a sense of what it's like in a JC Penney or why you would go there. The only two things that these ads convey are:

a) Shopping can be such a hassle!
b) Ellen can time-travel!

These ads do not make me want to go to JC Penney. Again, I realize this might not be an okay thing to say. I just think she's not a good match. And I think she's pretty rich, right? Does she really need this job? As a matter of fact why isn't she in the new Jil Sander ads? THAT would be funny. THAT would make sense: Jil's minimalist cashmere-Soft Butchery could serve as a perfect backdrop (with a little 50s Jazz) for Ellen's good-natured studly nerd dance. She ought to do THAT instead.

I can write reviews of commercials, and I can also come up with ideas for my own commercials. I don't even own a TV anymore.

I know that the reason all those moms wanted Ellen to not have the job was because she was gay. And I know that a lot of gay people on the internet wanted to show their support for Ellen's newest advertising gig but it's not working, you guys. She should go somewhere else and spend her time elsewhere.

I don't want to make it sound like I hate Ellen though, so I want to just quickly run down a few points here.

PARTIAL LIST OF REASONS I LOVE ELLEN DEGENERES:

1. She's really funny without being mean to people or making fun of anyone, and has always been like that.
2. Her talk show is good. I'm into the fact that she's like trying to be America's Sister or something.
3. She was in Finding Nemo and she was really good in that too!
4. She's gay!
5. She has really good taste in clothes, herself personally.
6. She's not about being an asshole, she's about being a rad person. In the midst of this mild controversy, the stupid homophobic mom association claimed that Ellen didn't represent "traditional families" which usually shop at JC Penney. In response, on her talk show, Ellen offered the following: "Here are the values I stand for: I stand for honesty, equality, kindness, compassion, treating people the way you'd want to be treated and helping those in need. To me, those are traditional values. That's what I stand for." That's pretty rad, right? Maybe she shouldn't or can't quit this JC Penney job now, because she's already won with this moral high-ground thing, huh? Anyway the ads do suck though, and you know she doesn't shop there.
7. I gotta say, this photo is one of the reasons I love Ellen:


See? Being Gay wasn't even that high up on my list of reasons.

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