I feel pretty okay, but everything is weird. Can you feel more than one way about a thing? Probably. I guess people feel conflicted all the time, that seems normal. I definitely feel like I am of two minds lately.
On the one hand, I'm so bummed out, you guys! Not in the sort of day-to-day being depressed or really down on myself way, which I usually am. I have been exercising a lot and trying to take care of myself and I do feel a lot less crazy and sad most days which is awesome and I'm thankful for. I feel bummed out on some weird other level though. I think it has to do with the internet maybe. Or how I use it. I feel really left out, in some ways. Like, I feel like there's a lot of exciting stuff happening in the world, a lot of queer artists who seem to be doing cool work which ostensibly speaks to me or my experiences or my community. But I feel really left out. Like it's an in-group thing, almost. I don't know. Calloutqueen's tumblr was really inspiring to me for a number of reasons, not the least because she would straight up address the discourse she was part of, like by asking specific people she knew were reading her to respond, or by actually addressing/dismissing the viewer, etc. It's so cool to see how much of an impact she had on so many people, who didn't know her. I really admired this attitude of, like, actually just being real and right and participating.
And I sort of feel like I try, or have tried, to participate in a similar way. I guess I don't feel comfortable asking for attention outright, because I don't feel comfortable, really, getting it. I don't trust anything. But I do feel left out. Like, I wish I was friends with the cool queer kids all over the country who are making rad artwork that I like. But it's not about me. I think maybe I have unrealistic expectations as a consumer, like: if I like something, it should affirm me in some way. That's not art's job. But it's frustrating to see so much queer art which is on a surface level about self-affirmation, and have none of it project outward.
Like, I shouldn't have to know you in real life to be able to get your art, maybe? We don't need to have met. We don't need to have friends in common or have made out at a dance party. That shouldn't be a requirement. Because then, embedded in the social ties, are all these other fucked up things. Like: I've never been cool. I've never been hip and I've never been cool or particularly smart of skilled or cute. Or whatever. You know? I've always lived my life with the supposition that even though I wasn't any of those things, I was still (maybe) a valid person. And sometimes people have responded to that. And largely not. Which is okay. but I do feel like I'm not part of the underground queer revolution, and I feel like it's because I'm not cool enough. Which is fine too, I guess.
Probably feeling that you are revolutionary or feeling that you are cool are not the same as being those things.
But you know what? On the other hand, and in a very different way, I am feeling really good and plugged in. This year 2012 has so far been insanely extreme-- horrible, very sad losses and tragedy, coupled with completely unexpected and wild joy. Totally flabbergasting. I never, in a million years, thought my life would be like this. This week a music video I made for a song I wrote and made myself is out (see a cute little write up about it on DLNQNT). I get to hang out with artists who I admire in real life and I get to know a lot of brilliant people here in New York City.
It is a balm, in a way, against this powerful feeling of exclusion and isolation which I get from, say, the fashion crowd? Okay maybe what I actually want to say is that underground queer culture which just emulates mass heterosexual culture really turns me off. This attitude probably makes me uncool. Maybe it only makes me that right now.
I guess it's like, I feel kind of really pissed off and excluded and angry, but at the same time, my experiences, in the real world, are sort of affirming this whole other reality. It's just my mind and heart that need to catch up. And I think I know what to do, but I don't want to do it, because it involves potentially risking people not liking me or thinking I'm lame. But people already think that. So whatever. I'm going to say what I need to say in the way that I need to say it.
And, for those of you still reading: I am going to say what I need to say and say it the way I need to see it on April 6th, 2012 at Public Assembly, as part of Pussy Faggot. I'm going to finish a new very short except of a work and perform it and I'm scared witless but I bet it'll make me feel a million times better.
And if you're in New York, it might make you feel good to see it, too.