Happy Birthday, Barbra Streisand

Last Friday my gay goth rap band B0DYH1GH played our Special Gala evening at CultureFIX, organized by Johnny Sagan aka SNOWY WILDERNESS. We had collaborators in the forms of live video projections by Patrick Dyer and dance performances and pyrotechnices by Bradley and Coco.The title for the show was DEEP-FRIED CANDYFLOWERS. Here's a video of it that Ryan took:

I gotta say I think we really nailed it. Thanks for the vid Ryan!

I think we're really sounding great as a band. I think we sort of sound like the KG. You know? Or, I hope we do? Is that okay to say? It's totally been a minute since Nature Morte came out. Tae Won Yu, I was just thinking about this last night, is sort of the cutest boy in Indie rock, right? He might be the ultimate fantasy boyfriend. Anyway, I love the KG. It's totally beautiful and heartfelt songwriting but there's absolutely none of this rock star bullshit. No swagger. (Remember when swagger used to be a negative thing?) Anyway I was listening to this record last night and fantasizing about Tae's voice and how I did, you know, see the KG perform once, at Yoyo-a-Gogo but I didn't recognize any of the songs. But Tae was wearing all white, it was so cool. But it's like, is he even queer? You know? Maybe.

Tae & Liz “Girly Sound” Phair in Girl Germs.

I sort of have bad gaydar but it's only because I have such a good imagination. Here's a rad recent-ish interview with Tae from A Fog of Ideas. Awesome!

Saturday was another smashing time, I saw Justin Sayre's new play, directed by dear heart Ben Rimalower and assistant directed by Austin Dale (straight outta jail). It featured good buddies Cole Escola and Ian Scott McGregor and Paul Iacono. Perfect Little Daniel and I sat in the front next to Dad aka B. Blackwell and we all just loved it. It's really nuts to me to be friends with these people! It was maybe a little overwhelming and intimidating. But so much fun. I thought the show was fucking hilarious. We saw lady tigress Rachel Shukert and sisterhood of the traveling pants Dan Fishback at the afterparty, a mysterious place in Hell's Kitchen, called Fusion (of what? I wondered, and what else?). They had a cocktail there called Nasty Girl aka Dirty Boy. I spent more than a few minutes thinking about what that might mean. The bartender carded PLD and Dad but seemed to make a point out of not carding me. Ouch! After the afterparty we took a long walk in the rain and a long long long train ride went to a high school prom-themed rager for heterosexual children in the abandoned basement of a very fancy brownstone building in Carroll's Gardens. I'm not kidding. PLD and I went to meet out friend Boogers, who lives in a true mansion (I haven't seen it-- yet). By this point it was midnight, officially Daniel's birthday. There was cake at this party, and we ate some with our hands. Travis my dancer friend showed up with a very glamorous homegirl and we all had so much fun hanging out, commandeering the darkened moldy rooms of the basement.

Sunday I stayed indoors pretty much all day because of the rain. Which was great. Not all day, I went to the gym actually.

I dunno. Do you ever feel like someone has something that you want? Like just sort of fundamentally jealous? Ever? It's probably totally not about a particular person or a particular thing that I want, it never is, it's just this thing of feeling down on yourself. Feeling deficient. And I guess I do.

This is a totally corny example, but I got invited to the Jil Sander sample sale and I went, today, after work. Even though a) I'm broke, and b) I don't need anything. But last year I got a pair of shoes for like $45. Anyway I went after work, and the thing was supposed to go until 6pm but they cut off the line at 5:30. And the guys in suits running the show said to come back tomorrow at ten am, but it's like... I have a job. I can't wait all day in line to buy discounted clothes. You know? Like a sample sale should be accessible to the people who are buying the things, right? These aren't the rich assholes, because they can just go to the actual stores or call up the office on the phone and order what they want 360 days of the year. These five days are for, you know, the proletariat.

I have a really big chip on my shoulder about not being let into places. I wonder, you know. I guess I don't really believe in nation-states.

But, so, like, regardless: that was kinda a bummer. And I just sort of feel like I constantly have to prove myself, or something. Like, I printed out the e-mail with the invitation to the sale. This is totally uncool, people. This is needlessly dorky. If they were actually checking invitations (which they were not, duh) I could have just shown them on my smartphone, right? Who prints out the invitation? It's literally like printing out a coupon. I'm not really embarrassed of this. I'm just using it as an example. I feel like I need to always like prove that I'm worthy or belong somewhere or something. And like, I get it. That's on me.

I've just been feeling this really intensely lately. I'm trying to organize my thoughts in such a way that I don't feel constantly left out and down on myself, but it's really hard! And it sucks to be honest, and real, about the fact that I might just need to chill out. Things might not actually be happening, I could just be in a bad mood. Whatever. I'm just trying to say that, you know, things are super cool and also not, at the same time. I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels this way. Who feels like it's work. Fun work! But work. So that's there, too.

My amazing former professor, Judith Rodenbeck, shared this awesome quote online last week and I can't stop thinking about it:

"Pedagogy as a performative modeling asks people to try on versions of the better good life that hasn’t yet found a world. Along with new knowledges, it can provide voice, embodiment, and desire modes to try on and speak from that are unwarranted  by history, unsanctioned by norms, unprotected by institutions, but amazing to experience in life as something that life should sustain. From experiences like this, lived utopias emerge."
From this conversation between Dorothea Lasky and Lauren Berlant

I keep looking at this and the interview. Not to totally debase the actual conversation this is coming from, the maybe the whole idea of pedagogy is the thing I want to get into. Not in terms of, say, being a teacher or anything, but as a performance practice? As a way of inhabiting and "embodying" what I want to see, what I hope to relay, the seeds the utopias I think we could be living. This really resonates with me. What a cheer-up.

Hey also, today is Barbra Streisand's birthday. It's totally Taurus Time.

Here's my favorite Barbra number, which is actually written by Laura Nyro (duh):

I just love how when she sings "Cause the fury of the broken thunder's come to match my raging soul" and sort of starts screaming "SouuuuuUUUUUUUL!" I listen to this song a lot when I'm running on the treadmill at the gym.

And, for a more contemporary twist, this comes at the end of a sweet audience interaction routine:

"I love the truth, y'know? It's so powerful."

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