How to Wait

Yeah, no, wait, also.

Last night I fucked up. I won't go into it but I've been paralyzed with indecision lately. Can it take so long for symptoms to manifest themselves as crippling fear? Is there a clinical term for fundamental ambivalence? Being unable to leave the house, decide what to wear, plan a meal, think clearly about how to communicate. Are these real problems? I had a friend who I loved very much who was really rich, his folks were loaded, but he became a junkie at age 13 (seriously). A friend of ours referred to him as "one of those rich kids who make problems for themselves". Maybe in a case like this it's easy to make that judgment, but don't we all make problems for ourselves? If we're going to go around blaming ourselves for being unhappy, I mean, shouldn't we all get blamed?

I'm getting ahead of myself. I've felt like such a fuck-up this week. I'm just charging ahead, being a fuck-up, pissing everyone off. Testing the limits. Trying to look forward and not back. And I've (clearly) felt way confused and upset and bored and freaked out. And then last night things kind of came to a head. Like, I was invited on a sort of casual date to go see this pop star who I used to kind of love do a free private performance. And instead of going I stayed in and totally beat myself up. And I felt shitty. But then I was glad I stayed in, because I found out about the new Cat Power song.

What can I say about Cat Power? I am so excited for the new album. I was not the hugest fan of The Greatest or Jukebox but Chan's haircut, rapping (she's totally rapping) and lyrical scope are really exciting. It feels like a return. Cat Power was huge for me and my friends when we were in high school. She was known for doing shows which would end abruptly, which could be painful to the audience members. Sometimes, Cat Power clearly did not want to perform. She would get nervous, or start crying, and storm off of the stage. I'm not saying this to be funny-- I think it's easy to forget that for a long time, Cat Power was an artist whom her fans felt very protective of and forgiving towards. For me, personally, as someone that has struggled with some issues in his life, it has always been a real source of comfort to see Chan Marshall working hers out. I can't even deign to imagine the experience of being Cat Power in the mid 1990s, and have to do these grueling tours and storm off stage. But I can say that as a young person who wanted to make art, wanted to perform, and was too scared (and still is) it meant the world to me for Marshall to prove, again and again, that it was possible to fuck up, to be a fuck-up, to be scared and freaked out, and still be okay. And to still keep going.

So to hear a new, upbeat, clear-eyed catchy and complicated new song is particularly exciting. Just at this moment it's really the best. Maybe I won't like the new album. Maybe this will be her last record. Maybe things will be different in the future, but right now it feels like taking a hard look at yourself and the world is possible, inevitable, and pretty fucking awesome.

1 comment:

Tekeros said...

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