6/6/12

Now you live in chaos



So angry! So furious. So upset. You know how one thing turns into a handful of things? How being angry about one thing sort of makes you angry about another thing / all things? I'm definitely having that today. It's hard to tell what is you and what is the world. I'm really angry. I feel scared and ashamed of feeling angry, like I have no right to be angry in the first place and certainly no right to express it. Because I feel so conflicted about this feeling, I'm having a really hard time processing it.



I got into what felt like a pretty nasty argument with a lady who works at the deli near my office. I have this $1 off coupon for hummus, which has been sitting on my desk for weeks, and I decided that in my constant effort to keep my weight down, I would just bring some vegetable to my job, and eat them with the hummus which should be cheaper since I had the coupon. I had to go to like four different stores to find one that accepted it, and the lady at the deli told me she didn't want to take it. That the coupon was for bigger stores, like K Mart, not for a small deli. Her deli was pretty big. I had just come from K Mart, they don't stock hummus. It was only a dollar. She made me wait in the line holding out my coupon and my tub of hummus and then said no. I read it and I asked her again why they wouldn't take it and she just said no. I stormed out and angrily ate some celery with nothing on it for lunch. But I'm not really mad about the hummus.



I do definitely feel like I can't stand up for myself. Like I'm incapable of affecting change in my life. I absolutely feel like nobody has my back, like I need to be able to depend on myself, and I can't do that. A number of things have made me feel this way in the last several weeks. Including getting our bathroom renovated and having the repair guys root through my bedroom and steal shit (seriously). I feel really ripped off and taken advantage of across the board. But I'm savvy, and I know what I am actually upset about.



What I'm actually upset about is that someone I had cared about very much, and definitely considered a friend has betrayed my confidence. Which, you know, happens. It's a fact of life. People hurt each other's feelings. We're all still learning. That is okay. But I've tried, many times, to make it right with this person, and to ask them to fix the situation. Without going too into detail, it seems like a simple fix on their end, to make this thing right. And they've let me know in very uncertain terms in the past that they would do it. And over the last several weeks it's been made clear that this will not happen, they had never intended for this to happen, that they do not want to make it right with me, that my feelings do not matter, that they do not consider me a friend. I am pretty devastated. I don't have much recourse, apart from some very unpleasant options. I am loathe to take the next steps. I feel really sad and angry and it seems to confirm some of my own insecurities: that I am helpless, stupid, etc.

I don't know what to do. I feel powerless and humiliated and I am just trying to stand up for myself.



Last night Venus went in front of the Sun and I couldn't see it. I was hanging out with my girlfriend Lola, playing with her sister's little puppy, Lucy. Lucy seemed to understand what Venus' dance portends, and was barking hysterically.



We were listening to Donna Summer and talking about the future. Somehow things feel sort of okay. Like: this is your life. Now you live in Chaos. Nothing will ever feel good again but maybe you can learn to dance here.

I am heartbroken and livid.



I take consolation in the fact, solely, that I have a happy piece of news to share in the coming days / weeks. That's all. I wish I had some more.

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