More You than You

Would that I could stay indoors all day, comfortable at a desk. Just... farming. Growing social capital. Would that I had the patience and fortitude to "like" enough personal observations, to connect just enough to build what felt like a real community. Would that anything felt good, or seemed worthwhile in that way!

So obsessed with the Ancient Greek idea of Oracles. Where, basically, it would be like a pit of volcanic vapors, and the witches or temple-maidens or whoever, would sit there huffing fumes, and warriors or citizens would go to the junkie oracle witches to hear their crazy ideas fro the future. But I'm thinking about this thing of living near the oracle, working at the temple, huffing magickal clairvoyance-inducing fumes all day. Does it ever lose it's thrill? It must. How could it not?

Having a fantastic case of the Mondays. All I want to do is go home to the gym but I can't. I feel pretty frustrated but don't have a really excellent reason for feeling like that. I keep dropping the ball, it feels like. I feel like a loser, or that I can't do anything right. That's probably okay though, for right now. I didn't meditate this morning. I didn't meditate all weekend. Sometimes I don't really see the utility in meditating. I feel like: what's the point of sitting with your feelings if your feelings suck?

It's like that Bill Cosby joke. Someone's trying to explain to Bill about how great cocaine is, how it just makes you more... you, it makes you a more salient version of yourself. "Yes," Bill Cosby says, "but what if you're an asshole?"

This is my whole trip with not wanting to remember my dreams. Like why bother? I don't have time for this pain, man. I was talking to this friend of mine about how to start a meditation practice that I could keep up with, and really stick to. And she said that she was talking about it with some of her meditation-school friends, and someone described it as not unlike brushing your teeth. Once you do it enough, you just realize that you don't want to leave the house in the morning without doing it. And that seemed to make sense, but I've definitely left the house without brushing my teeth before, in the past. Without any compunction. It's really hard to convince me that anything is a good idea. When I am in a bad mood it's all I know.

Anyway. My Open Studio presentation yesterday went really well, I thought. I told my friends that it was happening but I also told them that they didn't have to come, that because the trains were fucked up I would understand if they didn't want to come. That because it's the first open studio of the development of the piece, that they'd have many more chances to see the work, once it became a real thing. So, essentially, you don't have to come! It's totally ok not to come! But still, some friends came. And it actually did mean a whole lot to me to have some support there.

The Metropolitan's 10th anniversary party was actually fun and funny. A lot of familiar faces. Ryanna and I talked shop over the bass beat about 1980s punk rock, which we kind of always do? It was funny. I ran into so many people I hadn't seen in such a long time. Linda Simpson, my favorite drag queen in NYC and possibly the best most wonderful drag queen in the world was hosting the fun. And it was also her birthday as well.

I had one really cute interaction. I ran into this cute boy who I knew years ago. I don't want to embarrass everybody but suffice it to say he was good friends with another acquaintance of mine, and I always had a crush on this one boy, in the way where, like... I was already "acquainted" with his good friend and room mate, so I felt like he was off limits. Also the boy is way cuter than I am. Also the boy seems like he gets asked out a lot; he's a big flirt, he's adorable, everyone likes him. OK. So we used to live near each other, and I remember he and I took the train home from some cocktail party (it was actually the cocktail party to celebrate the NY premiere of a Bruce LaBruce movie, neither the cute guy nor I had been invited to the screening itself, if I remember correctly). The point is at the time the cute guy and I were sort of neighbors, and we took the train home together through the snow very late at night on a Thursday. I remember this night very explicitly because it was so long ago, and actually I had been pen-pals with PLD at the time and we were supposed to meet at this screening afterparty but he couldn't come. So I rode the train home with this cute neighbor whose friend I already knew. And the guy and I didn't know each other so well, but we like... made small talk on this long train ride, and when we got out of the train it was snowing. I never think snow is that romantic, but we did make out on a street corner when we parted ways for a few minutes. Then the cute boy got a boyfriend, for years, started running with a different crowd, I never saw him again. But I saw him on Saturday! And he was really sweet, and asked if I remembered him (um, duh) and asked if I remembered making out by the subway station.

Sometimes I think my reaction to a situation or a person is just mine. Like, I sometimes think I'm taking things too personally (I get that criticism a lot-- that I take things too personally). So over time I've just kind of gotten used to the idea that my perception of anything is mine alone, that it doesn't mean it actually happened, that I am crazy, that I'm the only one who sees what I see, etc. So it was really nice to have this guy who I've always lusted after affirm that this sweet, actually pretty innocent moment did happen. Like: I'm not crazy, that did actually happen, right?

The rest of the night was fun, too. Waiting in line alone at Hana Food at 4am, I saw Scott Panther and we were civil to one another.

This Mercury Retrograde thing of me not getting texts until hours after they've been sent is happening again, and I am pretty miffed about that. I guess I feel a bit better now that I get to leave work soon.

I'd still much rather be going home to the gym. To listen to the new Two Ton Boa single (so good!). Hey though, speaking of uplifting things and sexy boys, check out this delightful new video by Le1f and Boody, featuring miss Juliana Huxtable:

OK. I'm drinking only my fifth cup of coffee today. This is actually not at all a lot for me.

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