My analyst asked if there was anyone who might like it if I weren't around. We were talking about suicide. He asked if perhaps there was anyone who might be happier if I killed myself. I had to admit that I was certain that there was, that there are more than a few people who would be happy if I killed myself. They’d probably also be happy if I moved away or stopped doing anything in public. They’d be happy to never have to see me again.

Are you one of those people?

Later on in this conversation with my analyst about suicide, I felt like I had to qualify the whole discussion and I said: “I’m not seriously considering killing myself. Not really. It’s not that I want to kill myself, it’s just that I don’t see how my life is worth living, right now. I feel sort of ambivalent about being alive. Ambivalent about the... project... of living. Or whatever. I mean, I know that sounds extreme, but that’s how I feel sometimes, and how I feel right now… Or, how I feel these days.”

After a long pause my analyst said: “Well, there are… you can kill off parts of yourself. You don’t have to do the whole thing at once. Not… right away.”

1 comment:

Jezzica said...

I found your blog because it was linked on the blog of someone I have a crush on. Your analyst's advice is the only reasonable stay-alive advice I've ever heard.